Just when I thought that the situation wouldn't get anymore worse or twisted.
The phone calls between siblings started yesterday afternoon, then extended to their children. I received more phone calls from family then I normally receive in one year. Everyone is hopping mad.
My nephew asked if I knew what the daughter and son in law said about me. I had no idea that I was even involved in all of this drama trying to get my Mother and her husband off the property. He told me that at one point a few months ago, before all of this even started, they confronted my mothers husband about me. Saying that they did a background check on me and also searched the internet for anything about me as well. What the fuck? Of course, they didn't find anything on the background check, but they said that they found out that over the last few years I've been raising money for AIDS Charities and one of them was called Bryan's House, which helps children with AIDS. They said it was bad enough that I was gay, but on top of that I was helping children with AIDS. They felt that it was utterly disgusting and couldn't believe that I was even allowed in the house or to come home to visit for that matter.
Do they even fucking understand that Bryan House helps children who have gotten then disease from their parents? Do they understand that they help children who are perfectly healthy who have parents who are positive? For the past 15 years of my life, I've raised money for the AIDS Walk and have donated countless toys, food and supplies to Bryan's House and local AIDS Food Pantries. They see this as horrible. Where's the Christian love?
Luckily, Mom's husband stood up for me saying that what I was doing was a wonderful thing. He said "So what if he's gay? We all love him. We might not agree with his lifestyle, but everyone in the family loves him and that's not going to change. All we want is for him to be happy." He kept all of this from my mother so she wouldn't tell me, in fear that I would be so angry I wouldn't come home to visit anymore. During the past few weeks when all of the added drama started to surface, he finally told my Mother what they said about me. She was furious.
During their last confrontation a few days ago, Mom told them the same thing that her husband had said basically. From what I understand, she let them have it. They turned around and informed her that I shouldn't be allowed back on the farm or around them or their children.
That was the last straw for my Mother. That's when they decided enough was enough. They should be off of the farm within a weeks time.
I can handle being told I'm going to hell, that I'm disgusting or worthless. I can handle being told that I'm a sinner. I've been discriminated against at jobs. I've had people not want me around themselves or their children. I've had people not want to date or sleep with me because of my status. Hell, I've had people back in the day not want to even drink after me. I've been called every name in the book, including faggot. None of this bothers me anymore. It might sting a little bit deep down, but I let most of it roll off my back.
What I can't stand, is that my mother had to sit there and listen to these two "Christians" say these things about me. That had to hurt.
She still doesn't know that I've been told anything. She doesn't want me angry or hurt. Most of all, she doesn't want me to stop coming home.
Like that would ever happen.
I feel so bad for my Mother and her husband. This is something that I can actually bitch vent about since no one in my family reads my blog or even knows that it exists.
My Mom lives with her husband on a huge farm 40 miles from where I grew up and the rest of my family resides. He bought the farm a long time ago. There's numerous barns, a main house and then a smaller cottage type home in back. My Mom lives in the cottage. Her husband's daughter and son in law live in the main house with their 9 children. They don't believe in birth control. They believe that God will prevent her from having kids when his will is ready for them to stop conceiving.
The daughter and son in law have always considered themselves to be high and mighty Christians. They're the type of Christians that give all the truly good ones a bad name. They home school their children so their kids won't be subjected to all the sin that's in the world. They want them to be free of temptation. They don't want them to be around cussing, drinking, smoking and all the other sinful things that other kids do. It's funny that now the older kids have moved out, never finished their home schooling and are drinking and smoking.
Both of them are never satisfied with any Church that they previously attended. They didn't like the people, the minister or something. So instead, they decided to have church in their home and invited other home schoolers that they knew to attend as well. Come to find out, if they're not 100% involved or asked their opinion about things constantly, they leave the church in a huff. This is how they started their own.
Lately, they've been accusing my Mother and her husband of all sorts of things, from turning them in to child protective services, to ruining the church that they've recently have started. They accused them of lying to them about certain things and even stealing money. This all started when my mom's husband started helping out his son, who's been known to be kind of a mess. He might be a mess and do stupid things, but it's his son. He loves him and tries to help him when he can without enabling him in the process. The sister didn't like this and said that her brother wasn't allowed on the property anymore. Probably because my mom's husband helped him out financially and wasn't offering any to his daughter.
Not very good "Christians" are they?
Anyone that knows my Mother and especially her husband, knows that both of them are probably the most honest, caring, loving and most upstanding TRUE Christian people you could prossibly meet. My mother drops what she's doing at a moments notice to pray for people when asked. For two people in fixed incomes, they support my mom's church, the minister and anyone that they ever come in contact with that needs their help. I've seen them give people used cars, cook them food and buy them clothing. In his spare time, her husband will even visit people in jails and ministers to them. They don't judge anyone. Never have and never will. And I'm not just saying that because she's my mother.
The daughter and son in law have caused so much stress for the both of them, that they're almost being forced out of their home. They threatened mom that if they didn't move out that they would leave themselves. Mom wouldn't have it. She said they would move off of the farm as soon as possible. My mom is 80 years old and has had both hips replaced. Her husband has heart problems and even had open heart surgery only last year. This is something that two people who have spent the last 7 years, building and remodeling this perfect little cottage into exactly what they have always wanted, shouldn't have to deal with at their age. Luckily, with all the family that we have in town, moving them will be a snap.
My mom called today saying that they're actually excited about it. They've found a cute place closer into town. They're both looking forward to living without stress.
I can't even begin to tell you how much his angers me and has pissed me off. I hope that I physically never come into contact with either his daugher or son in law. I don't know how I would react or what I would do.
Now my brothers and sister on the other hand.......
I have sat here and re-written this blog post over and over all morning. Delting bits and pieces, editing here and there, then totally scrapping it and starting all over. I think I'm on version 5.6. Fuck, this is irritating.
Do any of you out there find that you have to censor yourself when writing in your blog? You don't want certain people to read it. You don't want to sound like your bitching and moaning. You don't want to be judged. You want to speak freely. Your family reads the blog. Everything is so PC and you're afraid of offending. There are a host of reasons that someone could have for censoring.
Other then my partner Steven, this blog is my only other outlet for venting. I know that I have tons of friends and family out there that I can vent to when needed, but that built in self censor inside my head often keeps me from doing that. Instead, I keep things bottled up until I explode and my friends and familiy have no choice, but to listen to me. Back when I first starting writing here in September 2003 (damn, that was a long time ago), I wrote about what I wanted. PLEASE do not go back and read old posts. I cringe when I do and I'm sure you will too.
I answered to no one but myself. I know that this is MY blog and I can do what I WANT to do with it. Still, it's different now. I don't want to start another anonymous blog. Hard enough keeping up with the one that I've got.
Do you censor yourself and if so, how much?
Finally I have something to write about! You know when you're posting pictures of yourself so you can get people to tell you that you look good (that wasn't my intention, I swear!), it's a last ditch effort to just put something up on your blog. Not that I'm above doing that since I obviously did. Nothing like having your friends cheer you up by saying nice things about you. I needed cheering up and it worked. Coming up this week? Pictures of my penis so you can tell me how HUGE I am!
Kidding.
We had a busy weekend from hell. Friday was nice. Just us two having a date night. We went to see Batman: The Dark Knight. Holy Jebus. There's a reason why this movie will probably beat Titanic as the largest grossing movie to date. Heath Ledger seriously not only needs to be nominated for an Oscar, but win the son of a bitch.
We spent Saturday running errands. It's 105 degrees here so we were fools to attempt such things but they had to get done. We even dragged our friend Brad around with us since he needed to get out of the house. Later that night, we meet up with Gary and Troy for dinner then went to see Kathy Griffin perform. I love her. Hell, I love anyone who tells it like it is and isn't afraid to speak their mind. More people should do that. Concert was funny and raunchy as hell. I even got a t-shirt with my favorite phrase of hers, "Everybody Can Suck It!" on the front. Steven was disappointed that she didn't sell any t-shirts with "Suck it Jesus!" on the front so he went home and made his own. We've actually made a few t-shirts the last year or so. We plan on making more. He and I come up with an idea and work up a design. He does all the work on the computer. The Suck It Jesus shirt is all him. Once I get the link from him, I'll post it here. Never know if someone would want one as well. There's a few bear tee's also.
Who knows. Maybe we'll become rich off of tshirts.
We spent Sunday picking up a home gym system from a co-workers ex husband. It's still in the car. We'll see how long it sits in there before he tells me to help him bring it upstairs. We have big plans of becoming buff and huge. The rest of the afternoon we lounged in his parents pool to beat the heat.
I was so tired by 9pm, I was in bed. I think I over did it this weekend.
....post a picture of yourself! We should make this Post a Picture of Yourself Day. Maybe I'll start a trend. If you don't feel comfortable doing this, just send me very clear pictures of yourself. Full body naked shots are always appreciated and reciprocated. Hey, who doesn't like a picture of a pretty penis?
I figured I would post a picture of my beard. No, it's not a female I'm using as a cover, but a real beard. I haven't grown one in ages. I'm not sure what possessed me to do this while it's 103 degrees outside, but what the hell. Maybe I was inspired by the George Michael Concert. Who knows. All I know is that this mother fucker itches like crazy!
Back in the day, I was able to grow one of thos nice full bushy beards. You know the kind like you see the hotties sporting in Bear Porn. Mmm, bear porn.
I have to keep the beard short, otherwise I'll scratch myself until my face is nothing but a bloody stump.
We'll see how long this lasts. My facial hair is ever changing.
On a side note, don't I look fat? I'm gaining weight and not even trying.
Yippeee!
UPDATE: Steven has decided to participate. He says that I would beat him if he didn't. That so untrue. I'm the battered wife in this arrangement.
I brought some fruit for breakfast. Why is it, that I can never sit down and eat a banana without having a sexual thought? I always feel so dirty. Or that I'm 16 years old.
Probably another reason I avoid hot dogs at all cost as well.
Ok, maybe it's just me.
Is it true that most men have a sexual thought almost every minute of the day?
Maybe my testosterone levels are skyrocketing at the moment for some reason. But why in the hell does it have to happen at work?
I find it strange the social dynamics that can play out in various situations or places.
When Brian and I were going to the ranch on a frequent basis, especially when we were helping with the Comedy Drag Shows, I felt like we became a part of a big family. We made some wonderful friends who we even got the chance to hang out with outside the ranch. I consider Ray and Brad some of our closest. I also realized how social of a person Brian was and still is. He's always the center of attention. The person who makes that first move to greet someone or talk to a total stranger. He has a unique gift of never feeling uncomfortable in situations like that. He makes people feel welcome and at ease.
Me on the other hand, am quite shy believe it or not in situations like that. I don't count the times when I've had a couple drinks or shots of tequila in me. I'll be outgoing and friendly to almost anyone at that point. I tend to be more reserved in the beginning and take a while to warm up with people and engage in conversations. It's physically difficult for me. I often feel anxiety and have to control the urge to walk or even run out of a room. Steven is probably worse then I am. Social situations and meeting new people make him extremely uncomfortable and it takes him even longer to relax enough to show people he's having a good time. Everyone is different. Sometimes, drastically. Alcohol is our friend in situations like that.
This weekend, we found ourselves struggling to find people to hang out with. It was a quiet weekend at the ranch, so there were fewer people. Many of the regulars we spend our time with weren't there. There are so many new people getting permanent spots, it's difficult to get to know everyone. The social dynamic of the place is changing. Not necessarily in a bad way, but it's just changing. You have your permanent's, your weekenders and your visitors. Until we get our own trailer, we're visitors.
I finally got to feeling like I was a part of something. Since I'm no longer going every other weekend and I can no longer call our old permanent spot "ours" or "mine" anymore, we've become more like visitors. Steven even had a few people who he's met on numerous occasions, walk up to him and introduce themselves, asking who he was. This didn't help our overall mood. I know that a lot of this can be something that we're experiencing internally and that no one or no group is doing anything towards us. It was just a weekend of miscommunication, no one taking the initiative to find us and us having bad luck to find them. By Saturday night, we just planted our butts on the patio or in the livingroom watching a movie.
We even had the added stress of having Brian's boyfriend there. I shouldn't say stess, but more uncomfortable. It's a new situation for him to deal with as it is for me as well. He's a great guy and Brian seems very happy. I have every reason to want to be friends with him since it's possible he'll be a part of Brian's life. He thought I was uncomfortable and I thought he was the same way. So in the end, we sort of ignored each other.
It's why social situations make me uncomfortable. When they don't go as how you expect them to go inside your head, I start to panic.
And at times.......probably overreact.
Still, it was just an odd weekend.
What a crazy week. We seemed to have a lot going on between work and our private lives. Always something these past few days. We're heading to the Ranch this weekend which I'm excited about. Time to see friends, lounge by the pool and throw back a few beers, or maybe a case. It's our friend Ray's birthday. I think he's turned 25 again for the 8th time or something. I hope my liver survives.
I finally pulled out 200 photos out of the 800+ that we took on our Vacation. For those who are really bored and want to waste some time at work or home, click here to see a slideshow. I'm loving our new camera. Although it was kind of a pain in the ass to carry around the parks, it takes beautiful pictures. They need to make a compact digital camera that takes as good a picture as the more advanced SLA t ype cameras. I like being able to throw my camera in a pocket and not wear it around my neck. At least I didn't drop my camera in the urinal like I did last time.
Nothing else to say really. I'm a man of few words this past couple weeks for some reason. It's a shock for me as well.
Hope everyone has a great weekend.
I didn't realize that it had been a few days since I posted here. My bad.
We spent most of the weekend doing two things that we love. Shopping and seeing movies. There have been so many movies out lately, that we got behind so we decided to try and play catch up this weekend. We got to see Hellboy II, Sex and the City and The Incredible Hulk. We enjoyed them all, especially Hellboy II. When walking up to buy tickets, we noticed a handsome bear standing there buying tickets. When I looked closer, I noticed it was Brian and his "guy he's having fun with". They're trying not to label anything at this time. I snuck around the kiosk and saw Brian picking at his new boy's back. He has this thing about popping zits on your back. I see that things haven't changed and never will. So of course I saw it as an opportunity to give him shit for it. I finally got introduced to Dewayne and Dewayne finally met me and Steven. There was a twinge of awkwardness at first, but that soon faded. He seems like a really nice guy.
The rest of the time we spent shopping. It's been at least 6 months since either one of us had bought any clothing. Macy's was having their one day sale which is hard to pass up. We were good boys and didn't go overboard, but it would have been easy. It felt so good to buy new clothes! My closet was becoming.....so last year.
Sunday night I got to see my favorite recording artist of all time. George Michael. I've been a rabid fan since the first day I saw Wake Me Up Before you Go Go on MTV. I'm even a member of his fan club. Shut up! We bought these tickets back in January. I felt like the day would never come. Luckily, Brian was still in town. He was suppose to be in Europe by this time, but that's been postponed until August. The three of us all went to the concert and had an amazing time. The concert was one of the best that I've ever seen. We all thought so. I'm just so fucking lucky to be able to experience it with two people I care about most in this world. We're all very comfortable hanging out together. Situations like this don't usually work out, but somehow we made it work.
The only embarrassing part was when the concert first started. The minute George walked through the big screen and onto the stage, tears formed in my eyes. Both Steven and Brian were standing there watching me to see my reaction. Yes, I cried a little. His music was what I listened to constantly when I was desperately trying to come out. His music is what my ex Michael listened to over and over when he was dying. His music always will always be special to me.
I had never seen him in concert until that night. I've been waiting 25 years for that and it was worth the wait.
(Pic is crappy, but it's the best my phone could do)
While we were gone on vacation, he got to spend almost 6 days at Camp Bow Wow. It's a great place where dogs are free to roam inside and out among other dogs their size. The outside has a playground for dogs, complete with trees and a watering hole. The people who work there are very attentive and love dogs. Once he sees the place, he goes completely nuts and totally forgets that we even exist.
We picked him up yesterday after work. The minute he walked in the door at home, he plopped himself down and fell asleep. Whenever either one of us would walk from one area of the loft to another, he immediately got up and followed one of us and then planted his ass down again to fall asleep. He was afraid of leaving our sight.
When he's away at Camp, he runs and plays constantly. Almost to the point of exhaustion. I'm sure he annoys the hell out of any dog in his vicinity. Whenever we get him home even after a couple days, he's pretty much worthless for three days while he recovers. I think 6 days at camp almost did him in. When I took him out last night to go to the bathroom before bedtime, he could barely walk down the hallway and down the steps. I think he played so hard that even his muscles are sore. His ears and tail have been laid back since we brought him home. He's too tired to perk either one of them up.
Normally, Max can be a little hyper at times and constantly wants attention. After camp, he's like owning nothing more then a furry carpet.
I never thought I'd ever say that I've had my fill of Disney for a while, but that seems to be the case. At least for a month or so. Four straight, full days of nothing but Disneyland and Disney California Adventure, with more children and strollers then I've ever seen possible in one place, can drive a person crazy at some point. Don't get me wrong. We had an amazing time and will remember this trip for years to come as one of the best, but if I have to see another stroller, or get hit in the ankle or have my foot run over by one, it will be too soon. It's bad enough to want to bitchslap every parent that's oblivious to the fact that people are surrounding them when they push those fucking things around. And for a place that is called The Happiest Place on Earth, we saw more bratty, unruly, screaming, crying, tantrum throwing children. Don't get me started on the parents. They either were ignoring the children or acting as immature and childish themselves. It wasn't this way the entire time, but mainly on July 4th. I think it was due to how over crowded the park was, or at least I'm hoping.
Ok, I vented and finally got that out of my system. Again, we had an incredible time. We just probably won't be going back on July 4th again.
We landed in Anaheim around 9am and was walking through the gate by 10am. We didn't waste any time. We spent the first day at Disney California Adventure. The next three days we hopped back and forth between both parks. It was nice to not feel the need to rush and get as much as we could crammed in to one day as possible. We could take our time, enjoy sitting and watching people (spandex should be banned), grabbing something to eat (we ate so much gumbo) or just wandering around when we weren't riding anything. The last day was almost perfect. We didn't wait to ride anything. Even the weather was perfect.
Of course we spent too much money on souvenirs and don't get me started on how many collectable Disney pins we bought. We're completely and utterly addicted. It's like crack. Seriously.
There is one incident that I wanted to tell everyone about. First off, I have a soft spot in my heart for kids. Especially kids that are disabled in some way. My heart just breaks every time. Kids have it hard enough the way it is. While eating lunch one afternoon, a father and his daughter were sitting at the table next to us. I understand that children with any sort of physical or mental disability can be a handful in various ways. I know it's tough on the parents as well. At one point the older father of the disabled girl, who was in a wheelchair, started yelling at her and slamming shit on the table. It seems that her camera was broke and she was upset about it. She asked him to hand it to her and he started berating her. He then slammed the camera on the table, causing the batteries to fly out of it. This poor girl was upset and was trying to lean over to pick up the batteries and fix her camera. He ignored her. Finally, she started begging him, saying "Please hand me the battery, please!" over and over again. I wanted to go over and pick up the batteries myself. I couldn't hold back the tears forming in my eyes and I even get teary eyed while writing this. I felt my heart racing, wanting to walk over and tell him to stop treating her like that and to act like a real parent. If I could have taken the girl with us around the park at that moment so she could be away from her parents for the day, I would have.
Once the mother got back, I was happy to see that she treated her differently. When she asked her what was wrong, the little girl responded very boldly, "He's being a total SHIThead!".
I couldn't stop laughing.
It will probably be a few days before we sort through the 800+ photo's and put up a selection on Flickr.
Do we do everything to excess?
We'll be back next week. Be safe. I'll give Mickey a hug for you.
Last night, Steven and I went to dinner with some good friends of ours, Ray and Brad. Always a good time with those boys. We miss seeing them on a frequent basis, which we're trying to change. I'm glad that no one suggested to go out to have a few drinks after dinner. They really know how to throw down. If that would have happened, I'd be writing this in a foggy, hungover state. Hell, I would have been lucky to have made it into work today.
They both read my blog, so I thought I would give them a shout out. I think they secretly like to come here and see if I've written about them. Hi boys!
Have you ever seen that commercial from Disney, about the family getting ready for their trip to Walt Disney World? The little boy and girl are way too excited to sleep the night before they fly out. Then it shows the father saying the same thing. Cute commercial. I think Steven's a bit excited as well.
When he sleeps, he has this "thing" that he does. In the middle of the night you'll find one leg draped over you and his leg would be moving like he's running a marathon, or like a dog humping your leg. Combine this with numerous jerky leg movements and kicks and it feels like you're sleeping with a New York City Rockettes. I'm lucky that my liver and kidneys haven't been bashed in. If I ever wake up with a black eye you'll know where it came from. My husbear beats me in his sleep.
Last night was one of his worse nights, keeping me up for an hour and a half. At one point he was running a marathon on my hip. I woke up from a dream thinking I was being tortured and threw him off. He rolled over and whimpered. The kicking and jerking continued. He woke up a short time later and couldn't find his blankie and said that he was cold. Once he pulled the covers over him and cuddled his blankie, he stopped jerking like an epileptic having a fit.
I don't get mad though. I just chalk it up to being excited about going to Disneyland on Thursday.
