Why is it, that the last three days you have to work right before going on vacation, have to be the most stressful, busy and frantic? Why in the hell do all the freakishly stupid people come out of the woodwork during this time and cause grief? Why do all of my clients need something completed at the last minute before I head out of town for a couple days? Why? WHY?
I want Goofy to give me a hug when I arrive at Disneyland....
Funny how life changes. I've just been sitting here thinking about how different my life is lately. For a while there, things were such a mess (at least in my head) and I had this feeling that I would never get out of the deep depression and funk I was in. The breakup hit me harder then I thought was possible and the strain of moving out of my home and changing my surroundings proved to be harder then I thought as well. Pile on starting a new relationship and all that goes along with that, such as getting use to living with someone different and you end up having a recipe for disaster if you're not careful.
Good thing I did my best to keep my head on straight, although there were times I felt like it was going to explode. Steven's been a saint to put up with the whole situation.
Our new loft is finally organized, so I don't have this feeling like I'm living in a strange place or living out of a suitcase. Steven and I are getting along wonderfully. Living with him is so easy and effortless. We're slowly getting out and about, being more social like we were before. Even Max has gotten use to his new surroundings.
On the flip side, Brian and I probably talk more openly and have longer, more indepth conversations then we ever did before. We're still able to vent to one another when we need, share our frustrations and concerns with one another about stuff that's going on in our lives. Plus, we share with one another about how our lives are working out and the new paths they are taking.
We're both happy.
I hang up the phone after one of these lengthy conversations like we just had and it makes my day. Realizing how lucky and yes, blessed that I am.
Wasn't it only a month ago that I was a bawling, blubbering, messy pile of goo?
Over the past week or so, when Steven and I drive by a house or condominium complex that we like, we whip the car around and take a look depending on if they're having an open house or not. Often we just grab the info sheets to see the amenities and pricing.
Unfortunately, all this does is cause us to want to buy a house immediately. Things like this take time. We have to build some savings, combine our accounts for underwriting approval purposes and continue to work on credit, making sure it's the best score we can obtain. Not to mention that we signed a year lease. The landlord seems to be like a pretty cool guy, who likes Steven a lot. He's lived there for a few years now. Getting out of it could possibly be a problem.
Once I've had the taste of my own home and dealing with the difficulty of leaving it, buying a home myself has been one of top things on my mind. Plus, I'm impatient. I want things done now. I hate waiting.
Yesterday we got all excited. The places that we like or want are out of our price range. Go figure. We know that we have to settle for something slightly lower and is possibly a fixer upper. Steven emails me a link to a great place, really cute, perfect price and I LOVE the location.
Did I mention that it's three doors down from the old place I had with Brian? Stop laughing. For some reason, this whole situation threw me into a fit of nervous giggles. How ironic. I called Brian and told him about it, saying I wanted to clear it through him before I would ever look for a place in the same complex, let alone being neighbors. Of course (being the saint that he is) found it to be a great idea and would love to have us for neighbors. He would get to see Max more often as well.
I know it sounds like a very strange thing to do. But not to worry. Once we sat down and started thinking about it, we realized that there's no possible way of doing that right now. If we had the savings cushion it would help, plus our credit is in good standing to get the home. Then I started thinking about having to move again and pack things up. That alone was enough to make me want to hurl.
It's just shitty timing. The complex has a few units for sale almost all the time, so I know we'll have a chance next year.
I was listening to a morning show on the radio today and they were saying something about National "Let It Go!" Day. I tried to see if it was something official, but it's not. Although, I think that it really should be made a national holiday and everyone should be forced to participate. Just think of it. All your friends get to open up and tell you something about yourself that you should, "Let it go....".
World would be a better place.
Our weekend was a productive, yet relaxing. Friday was spent hanging out with Stacie, one of Steven's friends. We drank wine, sat on our balcony and also watched movies. Saturday we spent getting the loft almost 100% compeleted. I know you all are thinking, "they're not done yet?" The desk/drawing table area needs a bit of work. Sunday we did absolutely nothing but lounge around the house, eat and watch movies. We had plans of doing more, but couldn't get our asses moving. Oh, and finally took Max to the doggie park to vent some energy. He slept all afternoon. That right there is a little piece of heaven.
Here's a couple shots of the living room and dining room.
Click this link to see all the pics.
1st Thing:
A co-worker walks by me today and says, "Girl, you're just a HOT mess."
I'm not 100% hip to the new lingo all the kids are using, but I can safely assume that a "hot mess" is a gogod thing.
2nd Thing:
I was on the phone with my mother, teling her that I've been experiencing high blood pressure lately. 138/106 high to be specific. My Mother in her infinite wisdom states, "In the immortal words of Larry The Cable Guy, Git 'er down!"
Close Mom, so very close.
This should be "National Give People A Hug Day!". Only because I feel like I need one right now. I'm not sure if you heard, but it's not a good time to be in the mortgage business *rolls eyes*. I need a new line of work. Forty year old hookers or dick dancers just don't cut it, right? Ever get that "uneasy" feeling about your job?
My stomach is in knots. I'm probably worrying about absolutely nothing.
Seriously. Go hug your co-worker. That's only if you can get away with it without being dragged down to HR for sexual harrassment or slapped in the face. Go hug your partner. I'm sure they need one and so do you. I mean hell, you pee all over the toilet seat and you have to put up with their snoring. Give your friends a hug. It might surprise them, but you never know what's going on in someones life. You could preventing them from going postal on someone today. Give your doggie or kittie a big ol' hug as well rather then yelling at them for pooping on the floor or eating your favorite pair of shoes.
Ok, yelling at them for eating shoes is acceptable.
If there's no one around, just wrap your arms around yourself and give yourself a big old squeeze.
Do it for too long and you're playing with yourself.......or something like that.
I got a new camera. One that is in-between the small pocket type and a full sized SLR. It's programmable, plus you can have an automatic setting for people who are camara challenged like me. I'm anxious to take it on our trip to Disneyland in a couple weeks, so I'm trying to use it as much as possible to get use to the damn thing. It's not as simple as "point and shoot". I love the zoom feature to capture more candid shots of people.
I would post a picture of me, but without knowing if any of you have eaten recently, it's probably best not to put one up. I just did NOT take a good picture this weekend. We went to The Ranch and got to spend time with most of our close friends. I can't even begin to tell you how much I miss it there. We're going to do everything we can to get out there as much as possible. We hope to have our very own spot out there some day soon. Hopefully it won't take too long. I'm back on a mission. I've hidden long enough. Fuck anyone who can't handle it.
I absolutely love the shot I took above of Steven. Such a handsome man. Especially after the past few days, I can't begin to tell you how luckily I truly am to have him in my life. Sometimes, it takes being shit on by "friends" and treated like you don't mean anything to people, to have you notice the good people around you.
Especially my partner.
Superstitious? I'm not. Thank goodness. Otherwise, doing what I did this morning would put me in an early grave.
Brian and I hadn't separated our insurance yet. I've been on his insurance plan as a domestic partner since his new job. Doing that was one of the toughest things to do. Relying on someone so heavily wasn't easy for me, but I trust him fully so I did it. I'm so damn independent.
We picked today to have my insurance with him ended and to start up insurance with my company at the same time. Every time I've ever switched companies which caused a change in insurance plans, there's that whole waiting nervous period of "will they or won't they" cover me. By law I know they have to if I've not had a laps of coverage for a certain number of days. Still, being hiv positive, there's always that fear in the back of my mind, that they're going to come back and say no and I have to spend weeks or months forcing them to provide coverage. Luckily, I've never had one ounce of problem. So why should I be worried now?
It's just in my nature I think. I was able to stock up on 3 months worth of medication before the plan ended, so that will get me by in case there's any sort of issue arise.
Being tied to insurance sucks. I can never try to open up my business or anything like that. I can never get insurance coverage on my own. I'm stuck always having some sort of job with insurance that's provided to me. It's one of the biggest reasons that I've never even considered going out on my own to be a full fledged artist or open up my own glass studio.
Insurance requirements can put a damper on peoples dreams.
Now, comes the sitting and waiting game.
What's the price of gas in your area? In Dallas, you can find gas at a station called Race Track for about 3.89 a gallon. Drive down the block and you'll be paying 3.99 at a Chevron or Shell station. It amazes me the difference in price between places. I know the national average is something around 4.02, but we haven't broke that $4 barrier for regular.
Buying my Honda Civic was driven by the rising gas prices which in my humble opinion, will never go back down. The oil companies see that we are willing to pay these high prices despite all of our bitching. More and more people are buying smaller, more fuel efficient cars, carpooling or taking mass transit, but our oil consumption isn't going to drastically change. At least not any time soon. Europe has been paying ridiculously high prices for years. I feel funny bitching about our prices when I think of that. But unlike Europe, the US doesn't have incredible mass transit unless you live in New York City. Down here in Dallas, you don't have a choice. If you work down town, you can drive to one of the many park and ride and take the DART Rail. That's about it.
I drive 25 miles each way to and from work. The drive is killing me and my pocketbook. Not to mention, it's putting miles on my leased car. Once I get home, I rarely drive my car anywhere. We take Steven's. Same goes for the weekends. Basically, I have a cute, little, fun car to drive to and from work. It sucks.
Recently, I found a co-worker who lives in our area. We live in an area called The Cedars. Click here to read a very interesting entry about the area. It's south of Downtown in an old warehouse district. Lofts are being built everywhere. New Condo's are going up with a starting price of around 160K. One of them that we looked at is now going for 225K after only ONE year! Just imagine what it would be worth after 3-5 years. Investing in a condo down in The Cedars is a smart investment. Although I want a home, with a yard and a pool, it would more then likely mean moving out of the city and into one of the many quaint neighborhoods or even *shudders* a suburb. The thoughts of a suburb make me cringe.
How easy is it for me to get off track. Since my co-worker lives only blocks from me and we work the same hours, I just asked her if we could carpool. I would pay her 20 bucks a week in gas money. She loved the idea. Luckily, she's someone I like and wouldn't have trouble sitting there trying to make conversation each day while in the car.
I'm not 100% crazy about not having a car at work. I can't run down to the store, or grab some fast food instead of eating at our company Cafe'. But the thoughts of saving 1000 miles a month on my car is totally worth it.
And of course, I'm helping the environment. That was my number one goal.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
I've got concert fever but no way to cure it. When you're trying to watch spending, it's so hard to not buy tickets to Madonna who will be in Houston this year. For some reason she refuses to come to Dallas. Pisses me off. I'm sure it has to do with President Douchebag living near by. Janet Jackson will be at the American Airlines Center this year as well. I've seen her in concert 3 times, so maybe missing her this year won't bother me as much. The Kinsey Sicks will be here in this month. New Kids on The Block are back from the grave as well. I only mention that one because Steven almost peed his pants when he heard they were touring again with a new album. Shouldn't these guys just give it up?
I want to see them all, but ticket prices anymore are so fucking expensive, that you have to be selective in your choices. Cheapest Madonna tickets in the nosebleed section which start at $95. There's no reason to watch a concert where the air is thin and Madonna will be nothing but a speck on the stage. Good seats to see Janet will average $90-125. I'm sure you can get a good pair of tickets for NKOTB for about 20 bucks? I kid. Who wants to see guys in their late 30's singing bubblegum pop songs while doing those hideous dance routines?
Next month we get to see George Michael. I would have paid hundreds to see him, so cost wasn't an issue. We also got tickets to see Kathy Griffin. She's one not to miss. We'll also pick up some cheap lawn tickets for the True Colors tour this summer as well. Mix all of that with a trip to Disneyland during July 4th and I think our summer vacation and concert series is at it's limit. There's a chance we'll try to go to San Francisco, but that will be only if we can somehow swing a free place to stay *hint hint*. There's a chance of going to Disneyworld during Thanksgiving weekend if we somehow can pay down most of our bills.
Can you tell I'm still stressing about finances? I need to win the lottery. Maybe I should start playing first.
Funny thing. While sitting here writing about concerts, Steven sends me an email asking if we can swing tickets to go see Bob Sagat. Remember him from Full House? I hear he's a filthy, dirty comedian. Right down my alley.
Well, as long as they are cheap.
Like me.
So is everybody marking their calendars to rush out and buy the 3G iPhone on July 11th? How many of you spent hours yesterday, scoping out various websites for any shred of information about the release?
I have to say that I did for almost two hours. I'm not going to rush out and buy a new iPhone, when I've only had my old one for a couple months. Yeah, I probably should have waited a few months before buying my phone. I realize that now. But after hearing that the new phones are only going to be slimmer on the edges, yet slightly thicker in the middle, I don't need a new phone because of that. They indicate that it's going to be something around 30% faster when surfing websites. Do I really need that much added speed? Plus the new GPS feature. I can't see myself using it nor care anything about it. I can download all the new iPhone 2.0 software and all new applications onto my old iPhone. I don't need a new one.
Normally, I wouldn't be thinking like this. I would make rash and irresponsible judgement calls and spend money that I probably shouldn't. I never spend money I don't have anymore. I budget really well. I'm so anal, that I actually have a excel spreadsheet that I created, that lets me input my paychecks and bills and shows me instantly what's left over for me to spend, where I'm spending my money or how much I'm needing to put into savings..
But ever so often, I'm known for throwing caution to the wind and blowing money that I shouldn't. Since my financial situation is a little different now, I'm having to watch things a bit more carefully. I can't just run out and spend money. It has to be well thought out and planned. Trips have to be planned way in advance. I can't just hop on a plane and go somewhere. Even Kenneth Cole shopping must be budgeted. That kills me right there. I haven't bought any KC clothing in probably 6 months. I still get the shakes when I walk by the store.
My credit is finally good after years of being bad. I get paranoid now when credit cards get too high. I swear I have mini anxiety attacks if I think about bills too much.
Bills suck.
It was an interesting weekend. We spent a lot of the weekend taking it easy and working a small amount around the loft. We had been working so much on it lately, that we were kind tired of it. We still have more work to do, but we wanted a weekend to not completely involve unpacking.
Saturday night, we decided that we were going to treat ourselves and go out for dinner and some drinks in the gayborhood. It had been a while and so we figured it was about time. Brian and some friends of his, including some of The Ranch people were headed out to a charity dance. We figured we could head to some of the other bars. We got a phone call from our friends Brandon and Dusty so we met them out and did some barhopping before heading to The Round Up.
I should preface all of this by saying that I received a text message earlier that day from Brian. I'm not sure if it was a warning message or an "fyi" type, but he let me know that he was on a date. No matter where I am in my life right now and who I'm with, hearing those words from an ex will always sting the first time. Hell, probably the next ten times. I found out later that the date actually started early that morning and was still continuing and would even be going on the following day. It brought back memories of my first date with Brian. It started off as a date which ended into spending the rest of the weekend together. Then we spent the next four years together.
I felt a knot form in my stomach. At that point I probably should have suggested going home. I knew in my gut that we would run into each other. Fate seemed to be forcing us in that direction. I could feel it.
While standing at The Round Up, a friend of ours came up and gave us both a hug. I looked behind him and sure enough, there was Brian and his group, heading our way. I must have blocked his date out of my mind or something. I swear I didn't see who or where he was at that time. Brian quickly gave me a hug and then I noticed one of the people who we had been having trouble with, sharing their opinion about how we're handling our break up. We immediately hugged each other, cleared the air and apologized. We had a good talk. One that was needed. While hugging him one more time, I looked over and saw Steven walking towards Brian. Then I saw Brian open his arms and hug Steven. I saw them both smile. I saw the tears. That is when Brian, Steven and I all three stood there for the first time since the break up. I knew for the first time at that moment, that everything was going to be ok. That we were going to be ok. A bar wasn't probably the perfect place to do this, but it actually turned out for the best. Trying to schedule a dinner or something for the first time could have been extremely awkward. We were in an environment, surrounded by our friends. This worked out better.
For those of you who haven't figured it out yet, I'm with Steven now. I've done everything on this blog but actually come out and say it. So, there it is. I still battle the severe guilt of what I did. We both do. But after the last few months of endlessly talking about our relationship, Brian and I both know that ending our relationship was probably the right thing. No matter how much it hurts, all we want is for each other to be happy. I finally see Brian happy for the first time in quite a long time. He seems to be free.
What I did, was just the catalyst that was needed I guess. I'm not proud of what I did. I live with the guilt of that every day. I know I hurt him. Part of me will never forgive myself for that. Not a day goes by that I don't break down at some point and cry. Usually on my way to work or on the way home. Times alone are the worse. It gets better with each passing day, but I still have moments. You don't spend four years of your life with someone and not have it be difficult leaving them.
Through all of this, Brian has been a saint. I honestly don't know of another man that would have handled the situation with so much love and compassion. There have been times, where I would look at him and think, "Why are you being this way? Why aren't you getting mad? How can you forgive me?" I have no answers. He's one in a million. I was lucky to have been with him for four years and I'm even more lucky to have him as a wonderful friend for the rest of my life.
A friend on a completely higher level. For that, I'm truly blessed.
I think one the most irritating things to have to deal with after a break up is the shuffling and rearranging of schedules and the avoidance of people and places until things blow over. It's times like this that you realize how small your community or a city can be. You realize how many friends you have in common and the favorite bars, restaurants or events you a;; like to frequent.
I completely understand the need for time apart or for people to get use to certain things. I know this can be a tough adjustment for all parties involved. It's just hard being the very social person that I am to feeling like a hermit. During the week it's not an issue. I'm usually so busy with work and the move that I'm not really in the mood or have the energy to do much of anything. I spend my nights unpacking, organizing and trying to find places to store all our shit. Man do we have a lot of shit. I'm lucky if I'm able to watch any of my favorite TV shows and if I do, I'm up until midnight trying to view them all. If you can't tell, I'm tired and need a week of getting to bed early. Our Disneyland trip can't get here fast enough.
The difficult time is the weekends. I'm use to being on the go, meeting friends for brunch, heading to the mall for a movie and some shopping or throwing down a few drinks with friends during happy hour. Often we'd catch another movie at night, then stop by one of our local haunts to grab a few drinks with more friends before heading home. I know it sounds like we drink a lot, but that's not the case. Just on occasion. Sundays were a day of cleaning house or laying by the pool relaxing and possibly heading over to The Door for the Bear Beer Bust. Everyone we know is there.
All my life I've been a very social person. I've always had many friends. I make sure that I set aside plenty of time for myself, but the rest of my time was on the go and with friends. Lately, I feel like we have to find out where certain people are going to be or what events they will be attending so we won't run into one another. I have to let Brian know when I'm coming over to the house so a certain someone isn't there. For example, friends tell me about a weekend event they are all attending, but were warned that certain people are going to be there. We couldn't go if we wanted to or were invited. I'm not mad or angry. It's just frustrating. I feel shut in or separated from everyone and everything. I know over time this will stop and everything will be back to normal. The waiting time though is a struggle.
I get ants in my pants. Texas Fire Ants.....
It's been a rough few weeks for all of us. This past week alone has been really tiring with all the moving. I swear to Jebus, the next time I move it's getting done for me. I don't care how much it cost.
I need a break and a chance to let loose. We both do. I'm not going to hide. If I want to go out and enjoy myself, I'm going to. We're all adults and will handle the situation just fine.
I think it's just worrying about that first awkward moment, when we all run into one another.
Shots of Tequilla might becoming my best friend again.
I promise that my writing about the break up will end soon. Other then settling down in a new environment and getting use to living with Steven, I don't really have a lot of things going on in my life to write about.
You really don't want me to write about my struggles finding someone to move my piano this weekend.
Moving into a loft is really testing my organizational skills. Everyone knows I have minature orgasims when I get the chance to organize closets, drawers, kitchen cabinets, garages, etc. Give me something that's a complete mess and I totally get off on making it look pretty and organized. I have issues.
A loft doesn't come with lots of closets and cabinet spaces. The kitchen is limited, the bathroom barely has enough space for our toothbrushes and the closet? Well, lets just say that it would have trouble holding MY winter clothes, let alone both of our clothes.
Luckily, the loft came with a split level platform area in the back to store boxes and what not. We were able to put up additional clothing racks for my clothes and have plenty of space for all of our junk. Now we're having to go through stuff and find things that we don't use that often and store it away. The office "area" of the loft will have to be kept neat and tidy so it doesn't make the entire place look as if a tornado went through it.
Ikea and The Container Store will becoming our best friends over the next month I have a feeling. Even though I left a lot of things with Brian, I still have a lot of shit. Too much shit. It's even caused me to stop purchasing more Kenneth Cole clothing. That alone can cause me anxiety.
People keep telling me that I should start a side business of organizing peoples lives. I don't have any idea of how to get it started other then word of mouth in the beginning. Do a couple of jobs for next to nothing, get the word out and hope and pray that it spreads like wildfire.
Being anal retentive has it's bonuses.
Here's a few photos of the new furniture. We've done a lot more since these were taken. There's actually things on the wall and the rest of the furniture is there. I'll post more once the place is perfect.
The move out of my home was completed this weekend. Well, almost. I'm not staying there anymore as of Friday, but I still have a handful of boxes to move and also the piano. That should be completed within the next couple of days. Now comes the weeks of organizing the new place with Steven. Brian and I had a chance to hang out Sunday, just the two of us which we both needed.
When a friend (and sometimes friend with an "s") is keeping their nose out of our business, Brian and I are able to work things out in our friendship and move on with our lives just fine. The interference has caused so many problems and heartache, but despite all of that we're able to get on with our lives how we see fit. We've talked a lot this weekend about how we don't understand it. Almost everyone has been wonderful and supportive of us and our decision. They love us both and only want to see each of us happy. They don't judge. They see how we're both handling the situation. They see the forgiveness. They see how nothing is going to stand in our way of us staying close to one another and in each others lives. These are true friends. Do people who interfere not see how they're perceived by others and by the people they're trying to control? We're grown adults who answer to ourselves and the decisions we make. No one else. If we make a mistake or do something wrong, we are the only ones who have to answer for it. I only step in to offer advice to a friend if I feel it's absolutely necessary to prevent them from hurting themselves or someone else. I speak my peace and I'm done. Otherwise, it's none of my business and I let them handle it on their own. I'm there for them if they need me.
Despite all the problems, it's worth going through it to prove to people that we're going to make this work. People can either be for us or against us. Makes no matter to either of us anymore.
We spent a large portion of the night talking. Going over the entire break up, our feelings, things we did wrong and also what we did right. We learned a lot from one another during the past 4 years and are able to take away so many things from the relationship. There are no regrets.
Walking out of the house last night was almost unbearable. I felt myself getting flushed and lightheaded and I couldn't stop crying. I felt like I was abandoning him and leaving my entire past behind.
I know that this isn't good bye, but more of a "see you later".
He's not going anywhere. I'm not going anywhere.
Over the next few weeks, I'll start opening up more about where things are at in my life. I'm just waiting for the right moment.
I'm just not ready yet.
