Over the years I've had to experience the horrible pain of sitting through the putting down of someones beloved pet, whether it was my own, a family members or friends who have asked me to do it for them or with them. Too many times to count. After what I experienced last night, I don't know which is worse. Coming home one day and finding my two year old Chow dead or being the pet owner that has to make the decision to have your baby put to sleep and sitting there holding them while they administer the medication.
Although she was not my dog, I loved her dearly and she'll be missed. She was a lively spirit who unfortunatly had some health issues which wasn't getting any better. I don't feel that I should write the experience myself, but I would rather let Steven tell it.
Last night he had to have his 2 year old Great Dane named Abby put to sleep.
I'm finally back from a trip home to see family. I was about due for a Mama Fix so I went back to Nebraska. The only drama that happened was damaging my car (it's only 3 weeks old) on the way down there. A semi-truck's tire blew up in front of me and I had no choice but to run over the tire remnants. It destroyed my plastic bumper and yanked out my wheel well covering. The car is already in the shop to be fixed and I should have it back in a week. I even surprised myself as to how I handled the situation. I was upset at first, but quickly got over it and moved past it. It's a material thing and material things can be fixed or replaced. Luckily, the time home with family was pleasant. Not perfect, but nice. Enough about that.
The main reason for today's post is just to simply say Thank You. Everyone has been great with their words of encouragement, wisdom and sometimes the occasional swift kick in the ass. I've received tons of comments and many personal emails from some of my closer blogger buddies. If I haven't responded, please bear with me. I'm in the process of going through all the emails and replying. It's just taking me a while.
Brian and I are doing wonderful. Every single day, we seem to grow closer together through all of this and I know as for myself, I have grown some. I'm learning to forgive myself. We find ourselves having incredible talks, being open and honest with one another. I'm truly one of the most lucky men on the planet to have met someone like him and blessed to have him in my life for years to come. All we want is each others happiness, which is happening. We're taking our time with things. Getting use to all the changes. Nothing drastic and nothing immediate. We're more concerned about making the transition to our new paths in life as smooth as possible, with minimal hurt and pain.
This will probably be the last time I write specifically about all of this. The last revealing post was written by the both of us. We wanted to share what was going on in our life with everyone out there, friends and people who have watched and read about our lives for the past 4 years. We owed that to you all. I just wanted to let everyone know that we're doing great. It's the point now where the situation becomes private and between us. You'll continue to hear me write about him and see pictures of us and our lives together as friends. He's not going anywhere. As always, if some of my friends want to talk private, there's always email or phone.
Speaking of phones, I got an iPhone. They ROCK!
I guess I've kept quiet long enough. Enough time has passed to allow us both time to heal some, although there's a lot more healing to come. I spent an entire week barely eating or sleeping, crying most of the time. Three days in a row of not eating anything and a stomach too upset to even drink water, I eventually passed out one night of pure exhaustion after a fit of crying that seemed to not want to stop. I even had to work from home a couple days because the thoughts of leaving the house wasn't possible to me.
I sit here pondering how much to say now. What is too much? What's not enough? How much do I owe my friends and readers to share? Do I owe them anything? Will telling too much hurt people or will telling as much as I can, act like quickly ripping off of a bandaid, although painfull, getting it over fast.
I feel like I'm acting like a drama queen. I hope I'm not. Just saying how I feel and being this vulnerable and honest, isn't easy for me to do.
Brian and I ended our almost 4 year relationship a week ago Tuesday. May 5th would have been our 4 year anniversary. Talk about one of the roughest days. The details I'm going to try to leave tucked away. I'm sure over time, more things will become obvious if they aren't already are.
We lead a life of parties, various social activities, traveling, countless friends, dinners....you name it. We gave off the impression of the perfect Happy-Go-Lucky Bear Couple. Little did people know that we had been having problems for quite a while. Through all of this, both Brian and I have realized that we're the kings (or queens) of putting on a happy face, giving off the impression that everything was perfect. For anyone who wants pointers, just ask.
It was hard hearing that since the beginning of our relationship, there was no real spark that happened when we met. When I was told this, I had to stop and evaluate it myself. We met, slept together and were inseparable ever since. We quickly grew to love one another deeply (and still do), enjoyed one anothers company and had many things in common. Me being 39 years old at the time, was desperately looking to settle down in a life long relationship. I felt my time was running out. He, being only 29 at the time, was tired of the life of going out to the bars, drinking and dancing the night away and felt like he was ready to have his first serious relationship. I think we tried to force it to happen. We loved one another deeply, but were never "in love". This realization almost crushed me when I heard it for the first time and even more when I had to admit it to myself that it was true. We tried to buy each other things, purchase our first home, acquire a dog and purchase furniture and other belongings together, all in the hopes of making things work. We even maintained a small little place for the two of us at Rainbow Ranch. Somehow along the way, four years had passed before our eyes without realizing it.
Four years we do not and will not regret one bit, but four years none the less.
We steadily grew apart, almost becoming more like best friends who were roommates. We both found ourselves longing and looking for passion, romance and true love elsewhere. Constantly thinking we could make things work. At the same time, not communicating with one another about our true feelings.
I on the other hand, while wishing for true love, found it. I wasn't looking for it. It just happened. Unfortunately, I hurt people deeply by doing this and keeping it a secret. I'm not proud of what happened. Although I've been fully forgiven by one of the most wonderful men in my life, I spend my days with self loathing and guilt. I haven't forgiven myself. I know I will. I just don't know when.
Most of our friends have been very supportive, except for one or two. I know their reaction is only out of protection. I just hope that one day, they can forgive too and all of our lives can continue to move forward. Not everyone knows, but as we all know how things go, it won't be long before word spreads.
Brian and I have had some of the most wonderful talks this past week. We now talk more openly and honestly about how we feel then we ever have. We tell the truth, even when it hurts. We've spent hours holding each other and crying our eyes out. It's going to take time for full healing, but we both know it will happen. Brian spent 4 years of doing nothing but trying to make me happy by any means possible, thinking this would heal our relationship problems. I told him it was time to finally make himself happy. What he finally wants, is to make himself happy.
The progress we've both made in the past week has been amazing in our opinion. We plan on staying a huge part of each others lives and stay best friends. The days of hanging out, catching a movie or dinner and even taking a trip as a group of friends, are all on our horizon. We even still call each other numerous times a day to see how one another is doing and to share how our day has gone.
We laugh when we stop and think that we felt like the only persons who have gone through something like this. When depression, hurt and fear set in, it fucks with your mind. No one understands. No one knows the pain we're going through. No one has ever experienced this.
Boy, were we wrong.
The only thing that matters to us now is that we both love one another tremendously and that will never change. We both want nothing more, then to see the other happy and we hope that everyone else does too.
I love you Brian.
