A lot to write about, but it's just not the right time. Once I'm ready to sit down and share with my friends out there and my readers, I will. I just feel that I need a week or so to gather my thoughts, take a lot more klonopin and try to get my head clear before doing so. Right now it's a roller coaster of emotions.
We appreciate everyones wonderful, kind words. They mean more then anyone could ever possibly imagine.
Until then, please be patient while I take a short break, but don't worry I'll be back.
Love you all
I don't often get too personal on here. Last post was probably the most personal I've been in a long time on this blog and it was a difficult thing to do. It was tough being vulnerable and putting all my emotions and all my flaws out there. I'm the type of person who keeps things in and bottled up until I explode. It tends to be what our family does. We hold things in and keep things secret until we're either forced to talk or something triggers it to all come out.
When it all comes out, it's never pretty.
This weekend was rough. I realized that I haven't been a good husband or friend. I ended up hurting people along the way. I've been beating myself up for things the past few days. To the point where I haven't eaten hardly at all nor slept very well this past three days. I couldn't even make it in to work due to sheer exhaustion. I'm an emotional train wreck. It's hard to hear that you've hurt people and it hurts to have people tell you the truth about yourself.
Sorry to be so cryptic.
I just hope that the people I've apologized to and begged forgiveness from have it in their heart to do so. I've spent the last 3 days crying over and over. I wish I had more people to openly talk to about this, but that just isn't the case.
The one good thing that came out of all of this has to do with my Mother. We don't talk about anything related to me being gay. It's a taboo subject that's always been avoided. She loves me dearly, but has a hard time talking to me about it on a personal level. Maybe I have trouble doing it as well. Hell, I know I do.
While on the phone with her a few minutes ago, I couldn't hold it in any longer and broke down harder then I have with anyone. She sat there on the other end of the phone, waiting for me to stop. Amazingly enough, she didn't panic thinking that something tragic had happened to me, like she normally would. It's like she knew. I explained to her about Brian and I having some struggles and it all coming to a head this weekend, yet everything was going to be fine and going to work itself out hopefully. I then told her I hurt people. I sat there patiently, waiting or her to say something after I had finished getting everything out inbetween sobs.
Then in the most loving and caring voice a Mother can do, she told me that things will be ok and that we all make mistakes. That in any kind of relationships, anything can be worked out if the two truly love one another. She used examples of her and her husband to make comparisons.
For the first time in my entire life I was able to openly talk to her about my relationship with Brian.
Sometimes, all it takes is to hear your Mom's voice telling you that things will be ok......
Funk. I hate that word. It's what I seem to be in lately. I can be happy one minute and the next, I'm sitting there in a cloudy funk. I'm back to taking my happy pills to keep from being a blubbering mess. I'm not happy in my job. I sit there thinking, "Is this what I'm going to do for the rest of my life?" I need to push myself to work on some paintings or drawings. I get the stuff ready, I buy all the supplies, have all the ideas in my head and I do nothing but look at the pile every day before heading out the door to go to work. I get home and I'm tired, lethargic and wanting to do nothing but curl up on the couch and watch my stories on TV. The cycle repeats.
I think I've even lost the drive to shop. That's probably what scares me most! Ah the horror! Shopping has always been my therapy. Lately, I do nothing sit on Ebay, searching for things that I don't need. No desire to go out to a bar and hang with friends. I constantly feel the need to hop on a plane and just get out of town for a few days, but we all know how expensive that can be even though we have tons of free flights, free car rentals and hotel stays thanks to my Ever Traveling Hubby.
I want to go somewhere or do something that causes me not to have to think. I want to feel nothing. And people wonder why I'm such a Disney nut. It's the only time where I get to not think about what's going on in my life.
Are there any openings for being a Zombie? I'll sign up if there is. Maybe I should tweak my resume'.
I know a lot of my problems has to do with the fear of being alone. Most of my old friends have gone their separate ways. We rarely keep in touch, but do so ever so often. My best friend has came out of his dating funk and his time of taking care of himself, and is finally getting back into the dating scene and even going out of town to spend this weekend with someone he's met. After that he's gone for a week's time in Orlando to attend a Tile Convention. Crazy times there I'm sure. You know how those tile people are. He's the only person, other then Brian whom I spend a lot of time with, rely on as like a little brother and consider him family. He's my buddy/pal/best friend/soulmate. I believe friends can be soulmates as well.
Once they start dating again, that leaves fewer times to hang out, less times to talk. That's just how things go.
My hubby/partner/soulmate/pooterbutt, whom I love dearly is leaving this weekend after being home for 2 weeks straight so that's always tough. He's going to Boston for a weeks long training certification. After that, he's back in Maine to spend time with his current client. His work Visa is taking more time then they thought so his London gig is not going to start until the first couple days of June, pushing me seeing him until the middle of July. Luckily, he'll be here for a week before he has to leave for London. It's times like this that are a true test of a relationship.
The only thing I feel I have to look forward to is heading back to London with him for a week inbetween both of his stays there.
I feel myself shutting down and wanting to do nothing but retreat back into my own little world and talk to the voices in my head. Kidding about the voices. This usually means putting on a pair of sweats and eating junk food while sitting on the couch watching movies or tv. I find myself not answering the phone and only leaving the house when it's absolutely necessary. Like when max has to pee or I need food from the grocery store.
I always look forward to the summer. It's our time of pool parties, traveling and enjoying the city during the warm summer months. I have a feeling, most of mine will be spent indoors. I'm sure the summer will be great and I'll be kept busy and things will move along swimmingly.
Right now, I'm just a tad bit pessimistic.
My Mothers 80th birthday is this coming Friday. She's least then thrilled, or at least that's what she keeps telling everyone. You ask her if she's excited about turning 80 and her reply is usually something along the lines of, "Would you be? All it does is remind you how much "little" time you have left on this earth and how you don't look as young as you did 10 years ago".
She told the family how she didn't want them to do anything special and to definitely not put anything in the local newspaper which is sort of a tradition. Of course, my family ignored all her wishes and took her out to dinner last night. They invited all who was in town, including her two sisters who hardly ever get out and do anything with the family much. They also put her picture in the paper asking people to send cards. Despite her protest, she ended up having an incredible time and was bragging about how she even got hugs and kisses from my two brothers and sisters. Despite how close we are and how much we love one another, I'm the only sibling who shows any sort of emotion or physical contact. Go figure. My sister is coming around though lately, giving me hugs and telling me she loves me when we see one another. My bothers on the other hand would rather have their left testicle removed then to show what they deem as vulnerability.
Then she proceeded to tell me how many cards she's received already, even from old neighbors and friends she hasn't heard from or seen in years. She was also very quick to tell me how many people thought she couldn't be the person they know, because that woman couldn't be 80 years old. It was impossible! I think this part of the whole 80th birthday experience she's tickled pink about.
I wish I could have been there, but my siblings decided to tell me about a week prior that they were all taking her out to dinner last night. They did it early due to some people being out of town this weekend. I'm going to be going home during the first few weeks of May to spend time with her.
I'm such a Mama's boy.....
I guess that I got so wrapped up with my new car, Brian being home and his parents visiting, that I forgot to stop by here and post something.
The new car is great. I'm loving the gas mileage already. It's like driving around a fun, little toy car. Brian's been able to work from home this past couple of weeks so it's nice to have him here for a change. Can you believe that he actually did two loads of laundry yesterday while sitting here working? I was positive that he had come down with something and was sick. If I play my cards right, he might even vacuum and pick up a bit around here while I'm gone. That might be too much to ask. My heart couldn't take it. (He reads the blog, so this is more then just a subtle hint) But I know that he's going to be very busy with work this week while he's here.
Next week he heads for Boston for training, then back to Maine to be with his current client. His work visa is taking a while so he probably won't be going to London until the end of May, which puts off my going over there until probably July. Is the weather good in London and Paris during July? I have so many questions. I'm anal about being organized and I feel no sense of being in control with this trip. I'm ok about London especially since he'll have been there for more then a month before I arrive, but not knowing any French makes me nervous for Paris. I'm not sure why. I'm just being silly.
I'm not sure we can seduce them with our batting eyelashes and cute southern ways and southern drawl.
I'm going to go turn in my passport application this morning. I should have it back within 3-4 weeks at the most. I just don't know what to wear!
I'm the type of guy who buys a car about every 3-4 years. I don't pay them off and drive them until they fall apart. I like having a warranty on my car, so thats usually the reason for trading every few years. Purchasing a car for me has always been a xanax taking chore. I end up spending 4-6 hours in a dealership, arguing, fighting and usually taken advantage of in the end.
After working with a law firm, I've been able to raise my credit scoree about 150-170 points. I don't need to bicker over interest rates and monthly payments any longer. I also decided that since I always get a new car every 3 years, leasing a car would be a smarter choice.
Add to the fact that gas prices will never go down and only get worse. We have to face the facts. I can't afford to drive 50 miles to work every day in a car that gets 21 miles on the highway. So I spent a total of 30 minutes on the phone with this leasing agent and spent another 15 minutes here at the house signing papers after he personally dropped the car off at our home.
What a breath of fresh air this experience was. Amazing.
Now I'm driving a fuel efficient Honda Civic Coupe.
I'm love me some new car smell.
Did I also mention that I'm saving 130 a month in payments and 100+ a month on gas?
More money for clothes shopping.
He got the word a few days ago and going to the UK is a go. The minute his work visa is approved, he'll be leaving for two 5-6 week stays. They're pushing for him to go May 6th, but he'll be lucky if it's ready by then, but you never know. I've also decided that I'm definitely going to go visit for a week, spending a few days in London and making a trip to Paris as well. I'm excited as hell since I've never been to Europe and scared to death at the same time. I don't do well flying long distances, least of all over water. I'm going to have to totally knock myself out with something to be able to not have a panic attack during the flight.
I wonder if we'll have time to go to Euro Disney? I know! Of all the things to see in Europe, I want to make sure we try to squeeze in one day there. I told you I'm a Disney fanatic.
In other jaw dropping news, my mother is turning 80 this year and my niece is putting together some sort of photo album of her entire family, including herself growing up. I provided a lot of photos that I've acquired over the years from Mom and also shots from all my visits home the past few years. They sent me a photo of me, or at least they think so. My aunt sent it to her, but didn't think it was me. The date is November of '67, which would make me 2 years old. It can't be my closest brother since he was born in 55 and that would make him 12 at that time. It has to be me. There aren't very many photo's of me as a child growing up. It was so expensive for them back then and considered a luxury. Money was tight.
If it is me, I have the cutest outfit on. Check out those shoes! I just can't wait until after Mom's birthday so I can ask her if it really is me or not. I don't want to ruin the surprise by asking her about it.
Although Brian's visit home was cut very short this past weekend, we were able to fill it up with a lot he wanted to get done. The Dallas Car show was going on, so his day of acting like a kid in a candy store was fulfilled. They had some great concept cars, which is the biggest reason I enjoy the show and he gets to physically touch every type of car out there, creating tiny orgasims every time he does.
That same day we also got to spend the morning hanging out at the Deep Ellum Arts Festival. This year was better then previous years. This area of town has recently became more dangerous at night so the local nightlife, bars, restaurants and tattoo shops have all but closed down or aren't doing the business like they had during the early 90's. We got the chance to just mingle among the crowd, just he and I, checking out the artist, talking to a few people, enjoy lunch at Monica's and even test drove a Jeep Wranger who was one of the sponsers. We were good boys and only bought one piece of art and also some amazing seasalt/oil/honey hand and feet scrub. We now have the softest hands and feet in Dallas, I kid you not.
His weekend didn't start off so great. He normally gets home around noon on Friday's, but due to full flights, then delayed flights, he didn't make it home until after 9pm. His new client for work is in Portland Maine, so he had to fly out at 9am on Sunday morning. Luckily, he found out that he can leave Monday morning from now on and get home late Thursday night. This gives him a bit more time at home. But all of that might change.
That afternoon, he got an email from his boss asking him if he could take a short job to help out with an existing client. In London. The job would be for 5 weeks, two weeks home, then 5 more weeks in London. All starting within the next 4 weeks. I know the decision tormented him, but we talked it over. I don't ever want to be the husband that prevented his dream of doing international work. He doesn't want to work over there full time, but he has always wanted to try it for a short stay. This type of job looks good on a resume' and also at his company. Plus hell, he would get to spend his summer in London. I can't be the one to tell him no.
I deserve sainthood.
It will be tough with him gone if he gets this job, but what an experience he would have. Our trips this summer would be postponed, unless I decide to just take off some weekend on my own or with a friend. Which is possible, since he wants me to have the best time I can while he's gone. Plus, we might even see about trying to fly me out there for a week.
We'll know in a few days if this is all going to happen or not.
Last night I had the pleasure of meeting Patrick from Patricks Words. Over the past 5 years (has it been that long??) of blogging, I've gotten the chance to meet so many bloggers and I have to say that each and every one has been like sitting down to talk with an old friend. I took him to one of our favorite spots for dinner and we had a really nice time. I'm still getting over whatever sickness I had, but I was feeling good enough for at least a few hours. I felt bad that I wasn't up for taking him out on the town and show him a crazy Dallas time. He was very sweet and we'll definately try to hook up with him again the next time we're in New York.
Brian comes home today, although it's going to be late. He couldn't get his normal early flight so he won't arrive until 6pm. His project ended in Portland Oregon. The bad thing is that his new project is in Portland Maine and he has to fly out Sunday morning at 9am. He's here for only one day. They told him that this is only for a short time luckily. One end of the country to the next. After a few weeks, he'll be doing a week home and then a week in Maine schedule through the summer. I'm hoping to fly up there and meet him in P-town one weekend.
The only other exciting news (for brian) is that the Dallas Car Show is in town, so I know what we'll be doing on that one day he's here.
It's been so long, that I forgot what it feels like to be really sick. I have that stuffy head, pounding sinuses, achyness, feels like someone is sitting on my chest crap that's been going around. Normally because my immune system is doing so well, I hardly ever catch anything.
The only thing that sucks was going to the doctor. I go there in hopes of getting an antibiotic. It's about the only thing that will clear this up for me quickly. But since I wasn't running a fever, they said that I didn't have an infection, so it was a "no" on the antibiotics. The crap they gave me was all stuff I could have bought over the counter. Total waste of time.
Then a few hours later, my temperature jumps up to probably 102 degrees. Oh sure, NOW I get a fever.
I've always been the type that wanted to be left alone when I'm sick. Now that I'm alone, I wish my mommy was here, but Brian would be a good substitute.
