I should be shitting a brick about now, but I'm not for some reason. The big party of the season is only two days away and I'm not chewing my nails. The house is in order and most of the stuff that's left will be completed on Saturday. We might even have a chance to take a nap and relax for a few hours and get some monkey lovin' thrown in for good measure before guest start arriving at 7:30.
As you can see, we decided to buy a new tree, garland and all new ornaments this year. I'll provide more pictures and a video tour after the party.
Last time I checked the guest list, 100 people are coming. Out of the 55 or so that haven't responded, I would say about 15 will be showing up. Luckily we have friends that show up early and stay for a very short time and other friends who will show up later and party until the wee hours of the morning. Then there's our diehard friends who will show up early and not leave until we're kicking their ass to the curb. Handling 100+ people in our tiny 1200 square foot condo should be a breeze. Luckily, all the smokers will be hanging out in the back patio. That counts for at least 30 people right there.
I just hope a keg and about 10 quarts of alcohol is enough.
I can't remember the last time I went this long between posts, unless I was away back home or on vacation.
We had a very nice Thanksgiving with Brian's parents. I felt bad though. For the 3rd year in a row, they had expected a sizeable amount of people to show up, but one by one, many people canceled or went somewhere else. I hate to see Mama Brown fix enough food to feed an army and only 6 people eat it. I think they got a little miffed about it this year. I think we convinced them to make a trip to Dallas so we can either cook here with our friends or go out to eat and not mess with cooking at all.
The best part of the day was the snow. Even on my trips home to Nebraska for Christmas, there hasn't been any snow the past 3 or 4 years in December. It had been too long since I've seen the white stuff. Two days of it were enough though. I was ready for 70 degree weather and sunny skies by the time we left.
After four days away from work, it was really hard to go back to the stress and anxiety that comes along with it. I need a vacation to Disneyworld again or something soon, but unfortunately I have to build up days off. The next vacation we'll be able to take probably won't happen for a few months.
Our party planning is coming along ok. I'm keeping myself busy at night cleaning, organizing and finding hiding places for stuff we don't want out. We're holding off on buying all the alcohol and food until the morning of the party. House is ready for the most part, except for some last minute cleaning. I don't know why I get so anal about it, but the one time I don't vacuum underneath the beds, someone will be snooping and notice.
It's just sad that we've blown a fuse a few times due to all the Christmas lights inside and out. We'll be making a home tour again this year and maybe even a surprise song played by me on the piano.
That reminds me, I must practice.
Six inches of snow and counting. Can't seem to get any snow around Christmas time, but Thanksgiving will just have to do. Hell, we don't get much snow in Texas period. Now we get to deal with all the idiot Texas drivers who think it's ok to break hard, drive fast and take corners going 45 miles per hour.
First off, a warm thank you to all who have given me advice during the past couple days. Everyones concern, thoughtfulness and worlds of encouragement are appreciated more then you know.
Enough on that subject.
I hope that everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving Holiday and gets to spend it with family and/or friends. We'll be heading out to Big Spring Texas to spend a couple days with Brian's folks. I hear that this year they're going to have a large number of people showing up compared to years past. I'm sure Mama Brown's wiglets will be spinning a hundred miles per hour by the time we get there trying to clean their entire house, cook a full dinner and make a variety of 10 types of pies.
It's worth seeing wiglets flying just to eat her homemade pies.
Happy Thanksgiving.
It's been a trying few weeks. Many can probably tell from the lack of post, that I haven't been myself or felt like writing about anything.
Overall, my life is wonderful. I have a fantastic partner and so many incredible friends. We have a beautiful condo that we can call our own. We both have good paying jobs that provide us the ability to buy what we want and take trips whenever and wherever we want to go, within reason of course. I have a wonderful family back home who loves me. So what the fuck is my problem?
I've had this general feeling of unhappiness. I thought it was all due to being without a job all summer and the fear and uncertainty that comes along with that. I was wrong. Now that I have a job, the fear, anxiety and panic attacks haven't necessarily left. Klonopin? It makes me loopy as hell to where I don't give a shit about anything, followed by extreme tiredness. I eventually pass out I'm so tired.
No, I'm not 100% happy with my job. My career or where all that is headed. I know that's probably a lot of it. I find myself still worrying about money and finances. I stress out about the littlest things. Even an up and coming Christmas party which I know will be a huge success will cause me to stress more then normal.
I start to worry. I come from a family with a long history of depression and anxiety issues. Aunts, Uncles, Mother, Sister, Brothers and even Nieces and Nephews. More then half of my familiy has some sort of issue with this. I've spent the last 15 years of my life taking medications to basically keep me alive and I feel like I now have to take more medications to keep me happy. Don't get me wrong, I'm not against anyone who has to take meds for this. Some of my closest and dearest friends and family are here with me today and are happy and content because of them. I just see my family's history and how self-medication has always been our way to survive. I make a joke about it, but it's true. No matter what ailment you have, my family pops some sort of pill for it.
I pop enough pills a day to survive as it is, I don't want any more, but I know that I don't have a choice it seems. This whole thing has just gotten to me lately and I'm having a hard time dealing with and accepting it. I broke down in a state of panic yesterday before Brian left for Oregon, opening up my fears of becoming my Mother who's spent most of her life in a state of worry, panic and anxiety.
I know things will get better. I know I won't feel this way forever. But there's this nagging thing in the back of my mind that causes me to believe differently.
......end whining.
Monday during my doctors visit, I told thim that despite having a job, that my panic attacks and anxiety hadn't decreased like I thought it would. I was blaming all my issues on being laid off for 3 months. I know that was part of the problem, but not all. There must be other things going on or again, I'm falling in line with another family trait. My mother and all my siblings all deal with the same issues. Chalk another one up to heredity I guess.
The medicaion I was on previously wasn't doing much for me so he prescribed something stronger. Klonopin. I'm all about living through chemistry, so why not try another one. The doctor told me to take a half a pill and if that worked fine, to stick with that dosage. For some reason in my head I heard, take the full dosage and if that's too much for you to handle, cut it in half.
Needless to say, I didn't go into work yesterday. I got up in the middle of the night, stumbled around to find the bathroom to go pee and almost took out a Christmas tree and Max along with it. I couldn't focus I was so dizzy and felt exhausted. I definately couldn't shave without fear of slicing myself into little bits and the thoughts of a hot shower seemed to make things worse. Driving 25 miles to work wasn't going to happen either. I called Steven, my resident expert and asked him about the medication and he told me I was slurring my speech.
Yippee! A day of watching TV and catching up on Oprah. This feeling didn't stop until noon.
Last night I took a half a dose and I feel fine this morning. In fact, no anxiety or the need to burst into tears. I even slept all the way through the nigiht for the first time in ages.
Of course, my mother calls me yesterday morning while I was still dizzy as hell and asked me if I was drunk or on dope.
I told her both.
The only drawback to the medication according to all websites is that I can't breastfeed while on it.
Well, damn.....
Tcell - 1030
Viral load - undetectable
Cholesterol - 227
Good Cholesterol - 43
Tryglicerides - 336
Kidney - 2.1
After 15 years of being positive, I still am amazed every time I go into the Doctors office to get my results. Cholesterol, HDL and Try's all are better then previous month. The meds I'm on seem to be working, but it's just taking it's sweet ass time. Tcells continue to maintain above 1000 and after a year of viral load around 200-400, I'm back to being undetectable like I was for so many years. Kidney functions are high which is normal for as much kidney stone problems I seem to have.
Part of me has been waiting for the shoe to drop this past 15 years. I'm known to be a pessimist, not an optimist. I hope the trend continues.
I know some out there are going to think we're absolutely crazy, but this past weekend, Brian and I worked around the house getting ready for our Christmas Party on December 1st.
We'll be gone the entire weekend of Thanksgiving to spend it with his family, so the weekend before our party is gone. Making the entire home so spotless you could eat off the floor (but I don't recommend it) takes me a full week. Buying all the food and liquor can take up one or two nights of that week. That doesn't leave much time for decorating. Anyone who's seen our decorations before, know that we don't go into this lightly. It usually looks like someone threw up Christmas all over the place.
By myself, this could take two weeks to complete. Brian always feels like he misses out due to his traveling, so this weekend and next, we're trying to do some of the decorating together. We even played Christmas music to put us in the mood. Do you know there's a music station here in Dallas that's been playing Christmas music 24/7 since November 1st?
This leaves the next to two weeks to finalize everything around the house, put boxes away and do some surface cleaning. I hate being so damn organized and anal retentive, but if I don't plan things out like this, I'm running around popping Xanax and freaking out the entire week before a party.
So lets hear it. "You did WHAT this weekend!!!???"
I haven't had much to say lately. Nothing worth sitting down and writing a few paragraphs about.
Work has been going ok. A little stressful and extremely busy. My very long commute every day causes me to get up a little early to go to work and I end up sitting in traffic when I'm ready to leave work. By the time I get home, I'm tired and exhausted, finding myself not wanting to do much of anything but sit in front of the TV. That's been my life in a nutshell since the day I started. Thank God for the weekends.
Brian is still traveling for work. His project ended in Portland and now he spends his weeks at Seaside Oregon until the beginning of December. It's a quaint little town but doesn't seem to have much for him to do so I think he's a little bored.
I've already sent out the evite for our Christmas Party. Some might find this a little early, but our part is on Dec 1st, so we have to have the entire house decorated a few weeks before so we can concentrate on getting the house clean and buying supplies the week before. For anyone that visits, don't be surprised to see a Christmas tree up in our living room in a couple weeks. As always, any blogger who decides to come to Dallas that weekend are always welcome to join us in the festivities. We love being the first party of the season. We get the stressful part of the season out of the way so we can enjoy the rest of it.
I even started my Christmas shopping already. Brian's has been bought and I'll probably go out and pick up a few more gifts this weekend. I'm so like my Mother. She's completed hers and even has all her Christmas cards filled out and ready to mail. She's holding off on decorating until the day after Thanksgiving.
As for Thanksgiving, I'm sure we'll be going to Big Spring to spend it with Brian's parents. I hear my family back home isn't even getting together this year due to nieces and nephews having to go to other in-laws. So much has changed back home lately.
Max is crossing his legs, so I had better take him out to potty.
The weekend was a huge success and our meet/greet beer bust was a huge hit. So big that not one of our group was sober that's for sure. The rest of the weekend we took it easy and enjoyed each others company, relaxing, cooking, eating and finally the show. A few of us retired early and others enjoyed the dance for a while.
We're beat.
We're all heading out right after work for The Ranch. This weekend is their 1st Fall Fur Fest. After they had such a successful Spring Bear Round Up last May, they decided to have a fall event as well. The Ranch is already booked to capacity I think with only a few tent sites left. We're really looking forward to it. The logo above is a tshirt that Steven and I whipped up for the event.
Brian and I, along with our neighbor Don, Steven, friends Brandon, Dusty, Ray and Brad are all going together for a Beer Bust on Friday night around 9pm. We're having it at our campsite which we decorated with lights last weekend. We'll have a couple kegs and alcohol. The weathers been cool so we'll have our space heater we bought for last years Christmas party and a small fire going as well.
Saturday afternoon there's going to be a BBQ/Potluck at 4pm. That night is the Pauline and Pearlene Gospel Hour courtsey of our friends Mama and Ricky. Brian put together a really cute intro for the show. We're going to give out prizes for hottest bear, cutest cub along with lots of audience participation. Following the show is the Fur Ball dance. I'm sure the night will continue on late into the morning with lots of drinking around campfires.
Sunday we'll be spending most of the time recovering I'm sure.
Have a great weekend.
Grrr, Woof, etc.
Not one trick or treater last night. Not that I expected any since there weren't any here last year. But our neighborhood is partially surrounded by some low income families with tons of kids. Maybe they load them up in the car and take them to Highland Park where all the rich people live. Those people pass out full sized candy bars and some are known to pass out gifit certificates to local stores. Why waste time coming to a house like mine when you've got homes like that to go to just blocks away.
Halloween is so different anymore. No one dresses up at work. The bars around here aren't all that busy, but they'll have a decent crowd full of Halloween nuts, out drinking during a school night, wanting to show off their costume one more time. I remember when I was little back in Nebraska, all we cared about regarding a costume, was that it fit on top of our snowsuits. We'd go out getting candy for hours, come home and have hot chocolate and then our Mom would send us back out again for one more run around the neighborhood. By ourselves. Times have changed. Now you bus your kids into safe neighborhoods or take them to shopping malls. I even heard on the radio about parents taking the kids candy that they got and replacing it with bags of candy they bought at the store to insure it's safety. We got apples and popcorn balls and ate them like we had received a pot of gold.
I kind of was hoping I'd get a trick or treater or two if you can't tell. Then again, I would have had to put on clothes last night while lounging around the house watching TV, cleaning and doing laundry.
Wouldn't want to have scared the kiddies.
I would start planning Thanksgiving now that Halloween is over, but I've got too much stuff to do for Christmas.
