I actually have a free moment.
Last week will now be deemed as "Week from fucking hell", from now on. I've gone through some pretty shitty moves in my time, but this last one takes the cake. For reasons unbeknownst to the both of us, we decided not to go with movers because of moving our belongings to three seperate areas. Hiring movers again in 3-4 weeks just didn't seem like something we wanted to do, so we thought, "Hell, why don't we just do it ourselves."
Next time I start talking all crazy and shit like that again, someone hop on the next plane and come slap the fucking shit out of of me. Ok, US.
We have been averaging beautiful, sunny, warm days here in Texas for December, January and February. Wednesday night, Mother fucking Nature decided to drop the temperature to about 45 and start raining. It didn't stop until we were finishing up our last load of the day on Saturday night. Before dark settled, I looked up at the sky while watching the the rain stop and the clouds move away. I knew at that point that God must really hate me. Either that or He has a really funny sense of humor that I just don't find one bit funny.
Sunday was 67 and sunny so we were able to finish up and even cleaned our entire apartment two days ahead of schedule. We worked both days from 9am until 9pm. I'm surprised I didn't OD on amonia and 409 cleaner. Afterwards, we moved the most clothes we could to our friends Brandon and Dusty. We're staying with them for a few weeks while the house is being worked on. Can I tell you how difficult it was to hand pick enough clothing to last us 2-3 weeks? That's like picking out which child to disown.
Today has been spent working my ass off at work, handling all the piddly shit like changing our address on everything I can think of from student loans and bank accounts to credit cards. You don't realize how much shit you have to change until times like these. We set up our mail to be fowarded, but we don't even have a mailbox put up yet. Guess we'll have our mail held for the next month. Anyone needing our new address for whatever reason, can just email me.
To throw some more gas on the flame, I fly out tomorrow for work. Oh no, no where fun and exciting like California or New York. I'm flying to Wichita Kansas and then driving to Hutchinson. No offense to anyone in Hutchinson, but that is one of the many armpits of Kansas.
Hey God! You really think you're funny, don't ya.
For the next 2-3 weeks, it's going to be a little sparce around here and I have to apologize. For two and a half years, I've pretty much consistantly posted something every day around here. Even if I felt as if I had nothing much to say, I was here letting you know how I am and what's going on in my life.
Life is a bit hectic right now. Trying to find time to visit the Ex in hospice, trying to pack up our apartment and move some to the condo, some to storage and some to our friends house where we'll be staying the next few weeks while the condo is finished. Once we move in, it's time spent painting and putting things away. Work is so busy I can't see straight. All during a time when there's layoffs and 100% restructuring going on.
So for the next few weeks, keep checking in. I'll have something to update you all on, but not just every day. My mind can't seem to concentrate very much lately.
I'll be in touch.
As of today, I'm totally on my own at work. What normally would be a two month training was given to me in 8 quick days and now I'm doing it by myself. Found out that I have to travel a few times a month now also. Fly up in the morning, have a two hour meeting and fly back, getting home around 8-9pm at night sometimes. I was told I wouldn't be traveling when I signed up here. They act like I should 100% know what I'm doing regarding this new job. They're in for a surprise.
Brian and I have been coming home, changing into warm clothes and moving carload after carload into our new condo's guest bedroom. It's the only room that's finished and can be used for storage. When stacked properly, we can fit every single thing in that room, minus the big furniture. We've worked 4-5 hours a night the past couple nights and will continue to do so until Friday. Hopefully Saturday and Sunday, we'll be able to finish moving the furniture into storage and our clothing to our friends Brandon and Dusty. They've been gracious enough to let us stay with them until our place is complete.
But cold weather has been on our side. Lately I've been complaining about the coldness and constant misting the last few days. It doesn't make for pleasant moving experiences. Due to the cold, our contractor has had ALL of his guys working on our place rather then spreading some of them over to an outdoor contracting job, so our place is coming along twice as fast as we thought. The kitchen and bathroom are completely gutted already. He told me this morning that his goal is to get us in as quick as possible.
He's told us over and over how much he likes us and wants good people to move into this complex. So no more complaining about the cold.
It's working in our favor.
So if my post become a little bit more sporadic the next few weeks, well.....please pardon our dust.
We're remodeling.
Brian and I headed over to the Condo yesterday to sit down with our contractor, give him some money and clarify everything that we want and that he needs to finish. By Wednesday he'll have us a revised contract including all the additional items we've asked for or that he's highly suggested we complete before moving in. It's all stuff we were going to have done eventually, but like he said it's best to get it done before we move in and it will save us money.
Before heading out the door, he told us that the work wouldn't be finished until closer to the end of March. For those that have been keeping up with this long, drawn out saga, we have to be out of our apartment Feb 28th. Even though the upstairs bedrooms are finished, there's no way in hell we can stay there while he's ripping apart our kitchen and upstairs bathroom.
In other words, we're homeless come March 1st. We are going to move as much stuff as we can and put it in the completed bedrooms upstairs. Find a place to store our washer, dryer, couch, love seat and shelving unit. Other then that, the only thing we have to do is find someone to let us crash with them in their spare bedroom. We have some options we think. Just have to see which one works out for the best.
I keep telling myself that we're going to look back on all of this as just laugh!
Many people thought we were crazy when we said we were going camping this weekend. It was pretty damn cold and it drizzled the entire time. But we were there for a planning meeting for this years SRU weekend in April. Nothing much to do other then sitting around in our cabin gossiping away the hours or at the main pavilion, drinking the night away. Throw a rousing game of Monopoly in there and that was our weekend. I did manage to cook eggs, hashbrowns, sausage and bacon twice for the boys.
We pretended to be soccer moms and rented a minivan for the trip. The children in the back were entertained with DVD's. Overall a good weekend, but we were pooped once we got home. It wasn't long before my mind starts thinking about how many days we have left before we have to move.
I'm already starting panic mode. This next week should be entertaining to watch.
Sorry for the short post, but work is beckoning. Here's a few silly pics from the weekend.
Yet another pic of us. Never can have too many, right?
Mama likes pie obviously
If looks could kill
Seems that someone has had a bit too much to drink
Maybe I had too much at this point also
I've had the pleasure of meeting so many incredible people this last few years due to this blog. People that I've been able to call good friends. I'm constantly amazed every time someone comes into town to visit or when I take a trip to another city and get to spend time with people I've gotten to know through this medium. People who's lives I've learned so much about and feel like I've gotten to know on a personal level, yet never have met face to face. Getting to sit down with these people and physicall talk and laugh just makes the circle complete.
Last night, Brian and I got to spend some time with a fellow blogger and his husband who are in the states on vacation and currently in town visiting family. In the above picture on the left is his husband James and on the right is Tony from Being Normal.
I'll admit that every time the situation arises to meet a fellow blogger, there's always this thing in the back of my mind saying, will we have much to talk about, will we get along, will I like them as much as i like their blog. We read about their lives from day to day. Occasionally email back and forth and with certain people even chat daily online. I have to say that the minute we met Tony and James it was like meeting old friends.
We had a wonderful Mexican dinner at Manny's before Brian had to head off for a meeting. Afterwards, I took them to my old stomping grounds for some cocktails. A handful of friends were there of course and took to them just like we did. These guys were the sweetest and most personable bloggers you could ever meet. During dinner, Brian and I sat there listening to their incredible story of how they met. A story Tony must soon tell on his blog and share with everyone. Very inspiring.
After a few cocktails and a couple shots from my buddy Gary, we had to call it a night. Being from Austrailia, their time frame is a bit off, so I'm sure they were ready for bed. Two guys who I'm so glad we had the chance to meet. It makes me really want to take a trip to the Land of Oz.
Blogging has opened up so many friendships. I'll be honest. I don't blog to perfect my writing skills. I don't blog to share my stories about my past or my current life with the world. I blog because i'm a people person. I love meeting new people and making friends. Don't get me wrong, knowing that we have bloggers guest rooms to stay in if I ever visit is a plus.
Saves on hotel cost. *wink
This is Brian B. posting for the first time EVER!!! And look what I found.
My friend Kelly from Austin found this and I hope he doesn't mind me slapping this on to Mark's wonderful blog.
I just got the biggest kick out of it.
Mark said he has nothing to do with this but is allowing me to spolg (Speak & Blog) for the first time.
Enjoy!
Quick post today due to the number of emails that I have when I open up Outlook here at work. I get this knot in the pit of my stomach when I sit down at my desk, dredding the thought of having to click that little icon.
We all have pet peeves. Some rational, some irrational. Some people have many, others have only a few. I think I'm somewhere in the middle. But do you want to know what my biggest pet peeve in the entire world is?
Some fucking asshat not caring enough for anyones property but their fucking own and throwing their fucking big ass SUV door into cars parked next to them, causing a nice noticeable ding on the quarterpanel of your new Mustang. When you see the size and depth of the ding, you KNOW the fucker had to literally throw the door into it with out a fucking care in the world. Could I TYPE fuck anymore in this post? FUCK!!!
What's your biggest pet peeves?
FUUUUCCCCKKKKK!
I hate my new schedule. I'm not a morning person at all, but without fail, I get up between 6:00-6:30am and I'm usually at work by 7:30am. I can spend my morning alone, get things accomplished without interruption and leave by 4:30 in the afternoon. I head to the gym, work out for an hour and a half, eat dinner and I'm usually laying on the couch relaxing by no later then 7:30.
Due to my new job that was forced upon me without asking, I was told that I must now come in later, say around 10am and stay to 7pm. I flat out told them no and that I would compromise and come in at 9:00am and stay until 5:30 or 6:00pm. This still screws up my whole day. I'm wide awake still around 6am. I know I should just get up and enjoy my morning, but that whole concept of "enjoying" a morning is foreign to me. I'm now late to the gym every day. The place is crowded by this point and Brian's usually half way done by the time I walk in the door. By the time I eat something, it's dark outside and it's getting late. Luckily my favorite show, Project Runway doesn't come on until 9pm otherwise there would be hell to pay.
Brian of course sees this as a huge bonus. Often, after coming home from the gym, having a full tummy from dinner, I tend to fall asleep quickly, therefore preventing any nookie from happening. With our busy schedules lately, we often have to "fit" in the time for monkey lovin'. Thank God for my Palm Pilot to keep me organized.
Not any more. I get woke up this morning before a very special someone leaves for work, telling me that we have plenty of time to get the deed done and start off our day the right way.
If he can deal with my horrible morning breath, I guess I'll give in to the little bugger.
Don't worry. This isn't going to be a sounding board for how much I love my hubby in some long drawn out googily fashion, just because it's Valentines Day. The day you either love or severly despise. We don't need a special day to show our love for one another. Valentines Day should be celebrated every day. Not just the day that Hallmark says I should.
Don't have a special "someone" in your life like I do? I'm sure you have friends and family that mean a lot to you like my hubby means to me. Tell them you love them. Give them a rose. Send them a card. Have dinner with friends. Or you can hide away in your apartment watching horror movies while eating a tub of Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey Ice Cream. Tonight, I'm sure we'll be touring Homo Depot again, picking out tile while we love each other so much.
Speaking of tile and loving my hubby so much on this Valentines Day, we spoke with our contractor Jose last night. That little shit has convinced us to just gut the kitchen and redo the whole thing while he remodels our bathroom too. Thank God for my hubby and my 401K. I made a quick phone call and now I have a huge check that will be arriving by Friday to continue with all the work. I hate saying this, but I had to immediately call the hubby and tell him how much I loved him at that point.
Unfortunately, all this work on the Condo probably won't be finished until the 2nd week in March. Two weeks after we've moved in. Thank God I love my hubby so much or this situation might cause undo stress.
After my hissy fit yesterday, we blew off some steam at the gym lookin' at the hotties. No one was as hot as my hubby, but thats another topic for a day which isn't Valentines Day. This isn't a day for all that mushy stuff. Afterwards he enjoyed a smoothie (meal replacement) and I enjoyed a 1400 calorie smoothie and a fried chicken sandwich and fries. My meal had to be at least 3000 calories. That was enough to make me feel better.
That plus the fact that I love my hubby so much.
I miss the days of writing fun, happy post that make me and others laugh. I need a laugh today.
Only thing right now in my life that I'm happy about is my partner and our new condo together. Thank God for that, otherwise I would be going postal on someone about now. I didn't realize how much my friends mother's funeral was stressing me out. Now that it's over, I can feel like I can breathe a little bit more. The situation with my Ex stresses me out more then I think I want to admit. He's being moved today to Legacy House here in Dallas today or Tuesday. It's a hospice service for people with AIDS. They basically spend the remaining days or months there. We visited him Saturday in the hospital. He was full of piss and vinegar as usual.
In the midst of all that, work isn't going well. I've been pretty quiet about it. All I'll say is that I'm so frustrated that I find myself waking up in the middle of the night, not being able to go back to sleep. If I had any hair on my head, I would have pulled it out by now. I lay in bed worried and stressing about what's going on. Since November 7th, I've basically received no training what so ever. I find myself getting so mad with the situation that tears well up in my eyes at the drop of a hat. I'm at my wits end around here. Did I mention that I was given a completely different job last Friday without consulting me or asking me if it's something I want to do?
Is fixing up a condo going to add stress to this whole mess? I'm hoping not. I'm hoping it will give us a chance to leave the stress of life and work behind and be able to get away from it all for a few hours each night.
I often feel like I owe everyone around me, especially my hubby an apology for how sensitive I've been. How argumentative I become at the drop of a hat. I blow up over the silliest things. Don't get me started on how often I just burst into tears. Keep me away from TV shows like Extreme Home Makeover. I become a blubbering idiot.
That, which does not kill us, makes us stronger, right?
I hate cliche's.
I think we quite possibly had the gayest, most festive closing ever.
It's not like we set out to find family members. A straight person can close a house just as good as a gay person, except for the ability to give us advice on window treatments or whether or not we should paint the livingroom Grape or Plum. We hit it off with our Realtor John from the moment we stepped foot into his office. Every day's a Holiday around Brian, so most of our meetings were filled with lots of fun and laughter. He seemed to enjoy our crazyness. Bless his heart, he had a lot to put up with dealing with the two of us. He's a saint. Brian was the one who was always giggling, laughing, asking questions, being just plain silly and trying not to let his ADHD kick in, while I tended to be the one brooding in the corner, wringing my hands and trying not to let the scowl on my face cause wrinkles.
We formed a friendship with him and hopefully will be able to continue this friendship with he and his partner.
He introduced us to Kenn our loan officer, which happens to work for the sister company of where I used to work. It took only a few minutes for us to realize we snagged another family member. Nothing like keeping it in the family, right?
Both guys put up with our barrage of questions and concerns. I just feel sorry for them having to deal with my *cough* occasional *cough* grumpiness. At times, my anal retentiveness and needing to be 100% in control of situations kicked into high gear. This experience taught me a lesson in patience.
We met at the title company, smack down in the middle of the gayborhood. After being introduced to our Title Company Representative, we knew the circle was complete with another one. No closing would be complete without alcohol. John our Realtor whips a bottle out of his Kenneth Cole bag (reason enough to love the man right there!) a bottle of champagne to toast our new future. The Title Company provided the glassware. Hell, the only thing missing from this closing was a couple of dick dancers and a Mya Douglas doing a drag number.
While we signed our life away, we all joked back and forth, sipping on Martini and Rossi. Something even being mentioned about our loan officer Kenn and a bath house. I can't wait to continue hanging out with these two guys. John even surprised us as we walked out to our cars. Inside his car he had a really nice bottle of champagne and a Home Depot Home Improvement 1-2-3 book.
Last night we went to celebrate by eating at my favorite restaurant, The Grape. Best way to end the evening.
I sit her now getting teary eyed. Buying a home might not seem like a big deal for many people. Some people buy one home after another, moving here and there. Fixing one up, moving to another. This is something I thought I would have never accomplished in my life. Fifteen years ago, I was forced to live my life day to day. Never worrying about the future, because the future just might not be there if things didn't change.
Only until the last few years have I started thinking about the future. Our future to be exact. It's a small, humble little Condo, but it's all ours. I'm sure five or so years down the road from now, we'll be looking at doing this all over again. Moving to bigger and better things. I might need to stock up on Maalox and Tums.
To me, this was a huge commitment.
Could we be any cheesier?
Front View
Courtyard
Pool
Inside shots will have to wait until we can show you before and after pictures.
I woke up yesterday morning at 4am, got ready and headed out to make my flight to Kansas City which was at 6:30am. The airport was deathly quiet, people walking around like zombies. I forgot what it was like flying that early in the morning. Once I arrived in Kansas City, I drove to Topeka and met up with Louie. We sat there catching up a bit with he and his immediate family before heading over to the house.
Alison's family, especially her Mother, treated me as if I was one of her children. Something she did with everyone she came in contact with. I was greeted by her brothers, her husband and finally her Father. Long, warm hugs were received by everyone. As expected, the family seemed to be walking around in a sort of dazed fashion. The Father, for the first time in his life to me, seemed out of place. Not knowing what to do next or where to go.
The house was full of life with minutes. Family after family member was coming in to spend time together before heading to the funeral. It made me feel good to be able to share in that experience with them. It wasn't long before Alison came down and we hugged immediately and held each other while we cried. Losing a parent is one of the toughest things to go through. Especially when one dies so tragically as theirs.
We toured the glass studio that was expanded no less then a couple months ago, into a huge complex complete with office, bathrooms, storage and work areas. Bo never was able to use the studio. I looked around, wondering what would come of the studio. She was the force that kept this family together and kept them organized and going on strong.
The funeral was beautiful and the Cathedral was packed. She was obviously a very much loved woman by her family and the community. The children said wonderful things about their Mom and so did her sister and another man who claimed Bo to be his second Mother also. While walking out of the Cathedral I spotted my old roommate Jennifer and my former glass professor Vernon, from my days in Lawrence Kansas. We headed to the house for a reception to spend time together with the family and talk.
It was wonderful reconnecting with Jennifer after all these years. After the stressful day, it was nice to finally sit, relax and laugh a bit. I hope we continue to keep in touch. I spent time chatting with Vernon about glass and his new studio and off and on throughout the day spent a lot of time with Louie. The family was so busy greeting and thanking people, I was even more grateful I had my time with them alone that morning.
Before I knew it, it was time for me to head back to Kansas City to catch my flight. I said goodbye to Alison and her entire family, my heart going out to them. As I drove away, I sat there in the car thinking about losing my Father and how tough it was on us. I sat there thinking how lucky I am to still have my Mother and knowing that one of these days I will lose her too. Knowing that, I need to make sure I spend as much time with her as possible and make sure no matter what, I tell her often how much I love her.
One of the children said at the funeral, "This funeral isn't just about Bo. This funeral is a time for everyone to stop and think about all the people they've lost in their life. Bo wouldn't like the day to be 100% about her."
I can't tell you how much I hurt for that family. I feel helpless. The next few weeks are going to be some of the toughest. Each child, one by one will eventually leave over the next month. Leaving the Father alone in that enormous house that was ran like a well oiled machine by a woman with much love and vibrance. Funny how you don't realize things about people, what they did for others and all that they accomplished, until they're gone.
Keep in touch with your family.
Tell them frequently how much you love them.
There's a Meme going around that even the upper crust Blogger Royalty have been participating in. Brian over at Cheap Blue Guitar tagged me this time. I wouldn't call myself blogger royalty by ANY means. How does one achieve blogger royalty status anyway? I like to consider myself more of a D-Lister like Kathy Griffin. D-Listers have more fun.
So today you get a Meme and a cute joke that was sent to me. I'll be heading out of town very early in the morning for my friends mothers funeral and flying by late that same night, so don't expect to hear from me until Thursday afternoon. The day we sign papers for our new Condo.
Four jobs I’ve had:
1. Runza Drive Inn. My first job at the age of 16.
2. The Buckle. The reason I have an addiction to clothing. Selling clothing SUCKS.
3. Yonkers. Department type store. Having to help little old ladies find their correct bra size was frightening.
4. Mortgage. I'm going to lump this all into one. I've been a loan shipper, funding manager, Investor Shipper, Closer, Broker Closer, Processor, Corporate Compliance Auditor, Document Research and Developement and finally.....Director of Product Managment.
Four places I've lived:
1. My hometown back in Nebraska which shall remain nameless so just in case some member of my family gets bored and googles their hometown and find their way back here. If that happens, Zeitzeuge will END and I would have to start up a new one. We wouldn't want that, do we?
2. Lawrence Kansas. Where I went for Graduate School. I came out there. That place holds more fond memories then I can count.
3. Kansas City Missouri. Although there were lots of good times, it also holds so many bad memories that I could never see myself moving back. Visiting is ok for a few days, but then I have to get the hell out of there.
4. Dallas, Texas. The place that I finally can call Home. Literally.
Four TV shows you like to watch:
1. Project Runway. After my dreams of becoming a fashion desinger were crushed (don't ask), I find myself setting my schedule around this show.
2. Beauty and the Geek. Don't ask me how I became addicted to this show. I have no clue. Maybe I just have a soft spot for nerdy, geeky men.
3. Desperate Housewives. I loves me some nighttime soap operas.
4. Queer Eye. So shoot me that I'm one of the few gay men left on the planet that actually enjoys the show.
Four movies I can watch over and over:
1. Steel Magnolias. Can quote almost the entire movie line for line.
2. Moulin Rouge. I will cry every fucking time.
3. Cold Comfort Farm. Not everyone knows about this one. It's a must see.
4. Sordid Lives. Replaced Steel Magnolias on many levels. I love a movie with tons of good quotes.
Four sites I visit daily:
1. My bank
2. Fark.com
3. Cnn.com
4. My blogs sitemeter
Four places I'd rather be:
1. San Diego. I have a thing for oceans.
2. Manhattan. I could never live there, but want to visit as much as possible.
3. In our new Condo.
4. Anywhere in Europe. I still have never been.
Four people to tag:
You either hate or love these things so I totally leave it up to YOU to participate. See how sweet I am?
Brokeback Mountain Weekly Grocery Lists
for Ennis Del Mar and Jack Twist, Summer, 1963
WEEK ONE
Beans
Bacon
Coffee
Whiskey
WEEK TWO
Beans
Ham
Coffee
Whiskey
WEEK THREE
Beans al fresca
Thin-sliced Bacon
Hazelnut Coffee
Sky vodka & Tanqueray gin
K-Y gel
WEEK FOUR
Beans en salade
Pancetta
Coffee (espresso grind)
5-6 bottles best Chardonnay
2 tubes K-Y gel
WEEK FIVE
Fresh Fava beans
Jasmine rice
Prosciutto, approx. 8 ounces, thinly sliced
Medallions of veal
Porcini mushrooms
1/2 pint of heavy whipping cream
1 Cub Scout uniform, size 42 long
5-6 bottles French Bordeaux (Estate Reserve)
1 extra large bottle Astro-glide
WEEK SIX
Yukon Gold potatoes
Heavy whipping cream
Asparagus (very thin)
Organic Eggs
Spanish Lemons
Gruyere cheese (well aged)
Crushed Walnuts
Arugula
Clarified Butter
Extra Virgin Olive oil
Pure Balsamic vinegar
6 yards white silk organdy
6 yards pale ivory taffeta
3 Cases of Dom Perignon Masters Reserve
Large tin Crisco
It's sad when you get to the point where you're sitting here at your desk, thinking of things you did this weekend and Friday night seems like eons ago. For the life of me, I couldn't tell you what we did. I'm sure ten years from now when I'm fifty years old, at the rate I'm going, I won't be able to remember shit.
Brian and I spent the majority of Saturday boxing and tearing down our apartment. My anal retentiveness kicked in and I got Brian on the "lets throw shit away we don't use anymore" kick. He was the biggest pack rat before he met me. Now, he gets excited to throw things out. Especially when he's moving. He'd better not throw ME out or I'll have to kick his ass.
Saturday night, we did something a little different and went to friends of ours in North Dallas for a mini-slumber party. We joke about where they live, saying we need to get our passports renewed to be able to come visit. I never realized that it was only two exits past where I worked at my previous job. Oops. The boys cooked us a tasty enchilada dinner, watched the season openers of Wonder Woman, seasons one and two, followed by The Exorcism of Emily Rose movie. There was less shrieking from the group then I anticipated. Throw in some wine and beer and you have a great evening. The next morning we went to breakfast at Norma's Diner. Couldn't find Norma, but our waitress was this feisty older woman who basically told Brian she's going to whup his butt just like his grandma would if he didn't behave. She kept referring to us as "her boys". Who knew Grandma was a fruit fly? (fag hag)
Sunday we loaded up on more boxes and continued packing up 70% of the apartment. During all this, I received something from a fellow blogger who shall remain namless to protect the innocent, a short video clip of a certain Hollywood hunk getting it on with another woman. It's the latest one making the rounds thats very difficult to find anymore. I must say that the man is hung like a fricken horse and quite the naughty boy too. Oh, and that he needed desperately to trim his nails.
We ended our weekend eating dinner out and sat there talking about all the things we want to do with our Condo. We're excited as hell if you can't already tell. We walked over to the country bar, The Round Up to meet some friends for a couple beers before heading home. I totally forgot that the Super Bowl was on. Am I the only homo that didn't know? I swear I thought it was on Saturday. I love watching everyone get into the game, yelling and screaming, hearing one man yell at the big screen, "YOU SUCK!" and off in the distance you can hear another guy yell, "YES, I DO AND VERY WELL!!!".
I just don't get sports and I guess I never will.
I did leave with a really nice Coors Light Super Bowl beer glasses though.
Doing something a bit different around here today at Zeitzeuge. I'm not necessarily calling this a guest blogger, but more of a friend who needed an outlet. Two of my closest friends are possibly losing someone extremely special in their life. What started out to be a complicated, yet routine heart surgery has taken a wrong turn and things don't look promising anymore. My heart aches for the both of them and wish there was somehow I could comfort them. I've known this family for the past 15 years of my life. I can't even begin to tell you all the wonderful things about them all. Each and every one of them is special and unique.
We all handle grief in different ways. We think about things we should have done or said. Often, we think about our own mortality, how we would have done things differently or how people viewed us. Louie is a cousin of my best friend Alison, who's on her way now to be by her Mothers side. I love Louie more then anything and wanted to give him the chance to get some things off his chest as he asked.
Lets say you have to write your own eulogy. What would you say?
I’ve thought about it a couple of times and on every occasion it comes down to: I want this person to receive this or that person this. I always state, that those who are reading what I’ve placed on paper to remember the laughter, have a drink, a laugh, and remember that I’ve gone to wherever it is we go.
It shows you how psychologically and socially disconnected I am.
My aunt is dying: I love her more than I’ve ever known. I think about the times we’ve had, how she treated me as an adult and patiently listened to my rants and ravings. How she treated me as a child and passed her knowledge on to me. How she included me, a dirt bowl child, into her metropolitan society. The friendship, gaiety, laughter, concern, hate, dismissal, and all the other complex expressions of love that always exist between two individuals that care about one another. I look at myself and I begin to wonder.
So here’s an honest eulogy.
I silently loved others. I had no concept of my own self worth, so I had no desire to impact another’s life by my entry or inclusion in it. I did not call, write, email, IM, or any of these modern day connivances for communicating. I did not send thank you’s, presents, birthday cards, valentines day flowers, or gifts. I did not travel, never meet others children, seen their homes, work, life, wives, parents.
I was a hermit and lived the life of one. But, in my mind, my dreams, my thoughts, in what I desired, in the actions I started and left unfinished, I lived another life.
I’ve written thank you cards to those I know only by chance, telling them how their acquaintance has changed me but never sent them. I’ve imagined the losses of all those I’ve loved and written to them what I wish I could only say, but never sent them. Bought presents but never sent them. I’ve worried, feared, constantly considered those I loved but never expressed those feelings.
I hated, was full of undirected rage, inconsolable, stubborn, willful, and a liar. I spent my life, not living, but working, saving, looking towards tomorrow.
To those who loved me in some way, I am sorry for the person I was. To those I loved; thank you for your patience, your love, honesty, and most importantly your presence.
My Aunt is dying. To those who read the above you can see I am a mess. I loved my Aunt but never told her. So I placed it all this down on paper, used a friend’s blog, and hope that once in life I can be human and express the love I feel. More importantly, I hope that you, all of you, will judge me a shitty human I’ve become and maybe it will be harsh enough to make me change my ways.
If you can, give a prayer for my Aunt.
Louie Lemert
UPDATE: Bo Sheafor just passed away ten minutes ago at 10:46am. Louie never got the chance to say anything to her.
I wanted to take a moment and let everyone out there know of a writing contest over at Homomojo. After reading my post about "What does home mean you?", He got the inspiration to start a writing contest, where the winner will have a donation made to their favorite charity or political organization. This months contest is sticking with the theme of Home and what it is or means to you.
You can read all about the contest here.
So do me a favor and go over and check out Homomojo and give the contest a shot. Even if you don't win, you'll be directing lots of traffic to your site. I know it has for mine.
Yesterday, I got a call from my Ex's Ex. He's a psychologist who still lives with his "wife" in East Texas. He was letting me know how my Ex's surgery went yesterday to relieve the majority of his pain and see what other tests or surgeries can be done to prolong his life. Unfortunately, nothing too major can be done at the moment because of his nutrition level. He doesn't eat anything except for whipped creme and doesn't drink anything but gatoraid. To put it bluntly, food causes him to go the bathroom obviously. When you have colon and possible prostate cancer, this causes a lot of pain. If you don't eat, you don't go the bathroom, if you don't go the bathroom, not as much pain. This is the reason for him losing 40 pounds the past couple months.
We had a good talk about our feelings and how we both now deal with the Ex. Without getting into it too much, we both realized for health reasons we had to get away from him and distance ourselves from him emotionally. We both love him and don't want to see him die, but we couldn't be sucked into a whirlwind of drama and verbal abuse anymore. We talked about how he's pushed every good person he had in his life away from this behavior. He talked about how he's almost ruined it for himself in the hospital. His demanding and controlling nature makes many doctors and nurses not very sympathetic and helpful.
He got all Freudian on me when he said that someone who gets to a point in their life and they lose all control, will normally exude more control on the people around them. It makes sense.
While talking with him, he asked me how things were going in my life. Now, I've dated a psychologist before. Every conversation we had I knew was being over analyzed and picked apart in every detail. I could see his mind working behind those eyes, making broad assumptions about me without saying a word. Needless to say, we lasted a couple months is all. Every fight or conversation started with, "Well, here's my take on things....." That got old real quick.
Back to our conversation. He asked me when was the first time we met. I told him I thought it was the day he came over to our apartment and worked on our flowerbed. I was wrong. He said the first time he saw me was when I was in the emergency room for kidney stones and sludge buildup in my kidneys. He said he remembers taking one look at me and telling my Ex that I wouldn't be around more then a year. I was deathly thin, pale and sickly looking. He remembers finding blood remnants in the bathroom and knew my problem was serious. He was right. Not only was HIV and the medications wrecking havoc on my body, I was also treating it horribly with drugs and tons of alcohol.
I led this lifestyle for a few years. Our conversation was sort of a wakeup call for me. I knew I was bad back then, but to have him say this to me made me realize that I was way worse off then I thought. He congratulated me on taking care of myself and getting my health and life back in order. He congratulated me on my new job, my partner and the upcoming condo purchase.
"Your life seems to be where it should be. Too bad Our Ex didn't think to do the same. He might not be in the position he is today." he said.
All this and I didn't have to lay down on the couch and shell out 100 bucks and hour.
Did anyone completely fall out of their seat last night while watching the State of the Union speak when Dorkbutt stated the following?:
Because HIV/AIDS brings suffering and fear into so many lives, I ask you to reauthorize the Ryan White Act to encourage prevention, and provide care and treatment to the victims of that disease. (Applause.) And as we update this important law, we must focus our efforts on fellow citizens with the highest rates of new cases, African American men and women. (Applause.)
For those that might not be familiar with the act:
The Ryan White Comprehensive AIDS Resources Emergency (CARE) Act is Federal legislation that addresses the unmet health needs of persons living with HIV disease (PLWH) by funding primary health care and support services. The CARE Act was named after Ryan White, an Indiana teenager whose courageous struggle with HIV/AIDS and against AIDS-related discrimination helped educate the nation.
It was something I didn't expect him to address. I'm also not going to sit here and hold my breathe and see if anything is done about it either, but it's one thing the President addressed for the first time since the SOB came into office that I applauded him for. From what I understand, this act has received millions in dollars in cuts throughout the United States. Any sort of federal reinstatement, additional funding or revamping of the Act to help HIV/AIDS patients would be a wonderful thing to see happen.
It would be one thing this administration has done that I would approve.
Did anyone else also get irritated as hell because of the amount of clapping? Holy Jebus people, give it a rest.
The rest of the speech, I spent listening to in the guest bedroom while I started to pack up our things. Brian's more of a "wait until the last minute" sort of guy when it comes to these things. Bless his heart, thank God I love him. I'm so fucking anal retentive, I start buying boxes, organizing, throwing shit out that we don't use and start packing at least a month before we ever even move. I will have all boxes stacked in an organized fashion, according to size and contents and each box will be labeled. The last week in our apartment we will not have access to anything but clothing and toiletries. We will eat off of paper plates and drink out of plastic cups.
I'm truly amazed at how much shit two people can accumulate in just one year living together. Don't anyone say a fricken' word about the amount of clothes alone. I might have to hire "special" movers for that. When we moved in last year, our movers were three hispanic guys weighing approximately 120 pounds soaking wet each. The move was quite challenging. I could lift more then they could. They didn't speak any English either, so there was also a lot of pointing and fake sign language going on. Why in the hell I yell louder to someone who doesn't speak English is beyond me. I swear Brian and I are going to start taking Spanish lessons one of these days.
Despite all that, watching them carry a 400 pound armoir up three flights of stairs was worth the moving cost alone.
I'm just hoping for a couple hunky, hairy, tattooed good ol' boys this time. Yesterday I saw a moving van called Starving Students Moving Company.
Straight boys will do a lot for pizza and beer.
