I feel much better today, after having a "moment" yesterday. Must be my time of the month. Its beautiful here today. High around 85. Party sunny. Not really Halloween weather in my opinion. Going out with friends this evening to tear up The Strip. I need it after this hellish week.
We're having a potluck today here at work. Ever wonder about the cooking habits or hygiene practices of your co-workers? Do they wash their hands after they go the bathroom? I always think of these things during a company potluck. My mother use to go through the line with me at our church potlucks when I was a kid. She would comment, "That's Sister Whatchamacallits dish. She has 14 cats. Don't eat that!" "Oh no honey, thats Sister Who's-its casserole. Have you seen her house?"
What I don't know won't hurt me, right?
Everyone please have a safe and Happy Halloween.
Damn! I've been here exactly 27 minutes and I've already bitten a VP's head off. I went home last night and immediately climbed into bed. I wasn't feeling well at all. Running a fever one minute and freezing the next. So today, I'm sitting here wanting to put a gun to my head. At least I made it into work.
I wasn't sitting at my desk more then 5 minutes when the VP from our Insurance department comes over and starts going off about all the projects I have to complete for him. When is it going to be finished? Where do we stand? Why hasn't this been completed? First and foremost, the man is an idiot. Couldn't find his butt with both hands. Couldn't pour piss out of a boot with the directions on the heel. I've lived in Texas too long.
Eventually I told him off, saying his projects would be completed when he went through the proper channels and followed the procedures that are set by upper management. He asked if he could bribe me. I told him it had better be a good bribe or he's just wasting my time. He said he would come back later. Now I'm curious. With my luck I'll get a few free passes and lunch to a Titty Bar. Its just the type of guy that he is.
Dammit people, I haven't had my coffee yet! I'm not usually like this. Push me too far and I'll snap. But when I'm not feeling well I just want to be left alone. Maybe I'm different when I feel like I want to hurl. I don't want to be pampered. I don't want to be fussed over. Just LEFT ALONE.
Except when my mom is around. Momma can fuss and pamper all she wants.
I headed down to 24 Hour Fitness last night for my 8 o'clock power yoga class. The first thing I do when I arrive are my stretching exercises while I watch the end of the Spin Class. Those people are just nuts. Then I see him. The cute, hunky, muscular hispanic guy that's there every class. I position myself behind him of course as usual. You see, he wears really baggy shorts and underwear. If you know anything about the poses done in yoga, enough said.
Soon after warming up, a handsome guy asks to sit down next to me. He's never done this before, and wanted to sit next to someone experienced. I had to giggle. I've not been doing this long. The poor boy couldn't keep up. Try as he may, some poses he just couldn't hold. I lost count the number of times I heard, "OH SHIT!" then he'd grunt and fall over. He had persistence though. He kept on trying.
Towards the end of the session, we attempt the crow pose. This isn't easy to master for a month or so. I managed to get this pose and hold it for 20 seconds for the first time. While in this difficult pose, I take a glance at the cute hunky, hispanic guy in front of me since its my duty, then I hear audible sounds of someone passing gas. This was followed by a giggle, "OH, SHIT!", a grunt and the sounds of the handsome guy next too me falling over. That's right. He strained a little too much during the crow pose and lost all bodily functions. He was devastated. Of course, it wasn't long before I'm falling over and giggling.
He asked me if I was going to be there Thursday. Yippeee! I have a yoga buddy......one that passes gas.
Funny how farting still makes you giggle like you were in junior high
Or at least thats what I feel like. For no apparrent reason, I'm bouncing off walls this morning. I'm what you would call..... extremely chipper. Redact despises people like me this time of the morning I'm sure. I've only had one cup of coffee. I didn't get laid last night. I didn't win the Texas State Lottery. What the hell is it? Then it hit me.
I did stop by the doctor yesterday to have blood drawn, and I decided to weigh myself. I have been tall and slender my entire life. Basically a swimmers body. I eat like a horse and don't gain an ounce. Slender is more PC then saying thin or skinny. Ever see someone call someone else skinny? They say it with a sneer. A tone of disgust. Anyway, I'm off track. I got on the scale and put the big weight at 100 and started to slide over the little weight over.......over......damn I hit the end. I had to move the big weight over to 150. I tapped that little weight over......over....and made it to 154! Thats huge for me. A month ago I was approximately 145. My dream weight is 170. Please, no hatemail from people who have trouble loosing weight. I heart all my weight challenged friends.
All this without steroids or any weight gaining supplements. I like the size of my balls and I'm not really craving man boobies.
The day I have to go from a size 30 waist (since I was 16 years old) to a 31, I'm throwing a party. Ya'll are invited.
Saturday was the annual Oaklawn Halloween Street Party. My friends and I, including Sherman headed to a pre bar party around 7pm. Our hosts were gracious enough to provide us with entertainment. A stripper. It wasn't ten minutes and he was completely naked. Although he wasn't the hottest guy on the planet, he was cute, had a nice body and a very pretty penis. Do you know how difficult it is to hold a conversation with a strippers penis in your hands? Its not easy. I'm just sayin'. Sherman sure was having a good time. I'm not going to disclose all his escapades, but he sure has a pretty one himself. All kidding aside, I'm looking forward to getting to know him better. I've made a good friend.
One of the four drag queens that were there, told me that if he was not in drag that he would love to ask me out. Hard to know how to answer that when you're looking at a 6' 5" manly girl with red glitter on her eyelids. A friend we brought with us who was wearing a thong, tail, thigh-high boots, leather jacket and kitty cat makeup stuck his tongue down my throat at one point. Took a while to get the kitty imprint off my face. He tasted like cat food.
After a few hours, Sherman and I headed down to the strip and waited for the rest of the crew to follow. Someone was showing their butt to everyone. I'm not saying who it was, but it wasn't me. Have I ever mentioned how cute Sherman's butt is? I also met Sherman's brother and his lover. His brother has a cute butt too.
After battling the crowds, we finally arrived at Moby's. My exboyfriend was there with friends from work. I was able to coax one of the straight boys into showing me his penis. He was more then happy to oblige. I'm not sure how keen his wife was on him whipping it out. I don't think she likes me anymore. Does anyone else see a reoccurring theme here? I've saw more penis and butt then on the average Porn.
After a few more hours of killing my liver, this plum tuckered boy was ready for bed. The whereabouts of Sherman are still unknown.
Halloween=naked people=debauchery=good times.
NO, its not a quiz or a way to figure out what your Dating Number is to see what kind of person you are on a date. Although that would be interesting. I'm all about the quizzes and numbers. I had a date last night with a hunky, hippy, granola Art Teacher. If I had an Art Teacher like this when I was in school, I would have stayed after class to clean his paint trays anyday. This has no reference to cleaning kitchens.
He took me to The Green Pepper for dinner. Definately a place I'll be visiting again. We were having nice conversation, but I could get the distinct impression that this was a "I'm-taking-you-to-dinner-to-be-nice-so-I-can-get-laid" sort of date. The rest that happened will be left to your imagination. The night ended with him saying, "Hey, call me sometime".
Many things go through my head before and during a date. Am I this paranoid? Does anyone else do this?
1. Underwear or NO underwear? Will it make me seem slutty if I don't?
2. What do I wear? Do I dress casual or dressy? I'm sure my jogging pants really come across as whorish with their easy access options.
3. He asked me out, but is he paying for dinner? My experience is no. Always carry plenty of cash just for this situation. Also, cab fare in case things get ugly.
4. What do you do during those long pauses in conversation? Nothing worse then when you repeat a question. "So you tell me you have 3 brothers, huh?"
5. Am I looking goofy when I eat? During dinner make sure I don't order something like Spaghetti or something with a lot of melted cheese. Impossible to appear cool and slick when slurping up a spaghetti noodle or spiraling cheese around your finger.
6. Being extra careful during dinner not to spit on him while I'm talking. I tend to talk way too much when I'm nervous and my saliva glands are working overtime.
7. Will I insult him when he only tips 10% and I lay down a few more dollars to make up the difference?
8. Then comes the end of the date. That awkward moment of "what do we do now?" Thats a whole entry in itself.
All these things and a hundred more, run through my mind at any given moment. We all want to make good first impressions. Sometimes making that one false move can be detrimental to the success of the evening.
I put too much pressure on myself. Although most pressure was relieved by the end of the date.
I'm a #6=Romantic. This is SO me its not even funny.
# 6 - THE ROMANTIC
6's are idealistic and need to feel useful to be happy. A strong family connection is important to them. Their emotions influence their decisions. They have a strong urge to take care of others and to help. They are very loyal and make great teachers. They like art or music. They make loyal friends who take the friendship seriously. 6's should learn to differentiate between what they can change and what they cannot.
Our birth number describes who we are, what we are good at and what our inborn abilities are. It also points to what we have to learn and the challenges we are facing.
To figure out your Birth Number, add all the numbers in the birth date together like in the example until there is only one digit. A Birth Number does not prevent you from being anything you want to be, it will just color your choice differently and give you a little insight.
Example:March 20, 1950
3 + 20 + 1950 = 1973, 1 + 9 + 7 + 3 = 20, 2 + 0 = 2
2 is the Birth Number to read for the birth date in the example.
#1 THE ORIGINATOR
#2 THE PEACEMAKE R
#3 THE LIFE OF THE PARTY
#4 THE CONSERVATIVE
#5 THE NONCONFORMIST
#6 THE ROMANTIC
#7 THE INTELLECTUAL
#8 THE BIG SHOT
#9 THE PERFORMER
# 1 - THE ORIGINATOR
1's are originals. Coming up with new ideas and executing them is natural. Having things their own way is another trait that gets them as being stubborn and arrogant. 1's are extremely honest and do well to learn some diplomacy skills. They like to take the initiative and are often leaders or bosses, as they like to be the best. Being self-employed is definitely helpful for them. Lesson to learn: Others' ideas might be just as good or better and to stay open minded.
# 2 - THE PEACEMAKER
2's are the born diplomats. They are aware of others' needs and moods and often think of others before themselves. Naturally analytical and very intuitive they don't like to be alone. Friendship and companionship is very important and can lead them to be successful in life, but on the other hand they'd rather be alone than in an uncomfortable relationship. Being naturally shy they should learn to boost their self-esteem and express themselves freely and seize the moment and not put things off.
# 3 - THE LIFE OF THE PARTY
3's are idealists. They are very creative, social, charming, romantic, and easygoing. They start many things, but don't always see them through. They like others to be happy and go to great lengths to achieve it. They are very popular and idealistic. They should learn to see the world from a more realistic point of view.
# 4 - THE CONSERVATIVE
4's are sensible and traditional. They like order and routine. They only act when they fully understand what they are expected to do. They like getting their hands dirty and working hard. They are attracted to the outdoors and feel an affinity with nature. They are prepared to wait and can be stubborn and persistent. They should learn to be more flexible and to be nice to themselves.
# 5 - THE NONCONFORMIST
5's are the explorers. Their natural curiosity, risk taking, and enthusiasm often land them in hot water. They need diversity, and don't like to be stuck in a rut. The whole world is their school and they see a learning possibility in every situation. The questions never stop. They are well advised to look before they take action and make sure they have all the facts before jumping to conclusions.
# 6 - THE ROMANTIC
6's are idealistic and need to feel useful to be happy. A strong family connection is important to them. Their emotions influence their decisions. They have a strong urge to take care of others and to help. They are very loyal and make great teachers. They like art or music. They make loyal friends who take the friendship seriously. 6's should learn to differentiate between what they can change and what they cannot.
# 7 - THE INTELLECTUAL
7's are the searchers. Always probing for hidden information, they find it difficult to accept things at face value. Emotions don't sway their decisions. Questioning everything in life, they don't like to be questioned themselves. They're never off to a fast start, and their motto is slow and steady wins the race. They come across as philosophers and being very knowledgeable, and sometimes as loners. They are technically inclined and make great researchers uncovering information. They like secrets. They live in their own world and should learn what is acceptable and what not in the world at large.
# 8 - THE BIG SHOT
8's are the problem solvers. They are professional, blunt and to the point, have good judgment and are decisive. They have grand plans and like to live the good life. They take charge of people. They view people objectively. They let you know in no uncertain terms that they are the boss. They should learn to exude their decisions on their own needs rather than on what others want.
#9 - THE PERFORMER
9's are natural entertainers. They are very caring and generous, giving away
their last dollar to help. With their charm, they have no problem making friends and nobody is a stranger to them. They have so many different personalities that people around them have a hard time understanding them. They are like chameleons, ever changing and blending in. They have tremendous luck, but also can suffer from extremes in fortune and mood. To be successful, they need to build a loving foundation.
I threw a tantrum yesterday. Ok, it was inside my head, but it was still a tantrum. I had mentioned before that my job has become very monotonous and routine. Something that use to take me a couple days to complete, now can be done in a few hours. Two months ago, I had applied for a Project Manager position with our IT department. I should point out, that I was asked to apply. I was told that I would definately be called in for an interview. This position first and foremost would be more challenging. Secondly, it would have been a 20K a year raise.
I ran into the Vice President of the IT department. The one with whom I sent my resume'. I inquired about the position and was told that they had filled the position a month ago and that she starts next Monday.
I have these veins the run from my eyebrows and snake back into my skull. They become enormous when I'm pissed. First thing my manager says after looking at me, is who pissed you off?
Don't get me wrong, if I was called in for an interview and told that I didn't meet their qualifications and that they had found someone who had, I would have been totally fine. I at least got my foot in the door and might be considered for a position in the future. But I didn't even get a phone call. I'm livid.
I guess everything happens for a reason. *HURL*
That same afternoon I was contacted by our Correspondent Lending Department about a position and our Legal Department also inquired if I was looking for something new.
Fine.....everything does happen for a reason.
If something doesn't work out, I'm still taking applications for a Daddy.
My manager just returned from a week long trip to England. She was telling us in detail all that she did while she was there. Made me realize that I have not been on a real vacation in a few years.
When I was traveling with my previous position as a Compliance Auditor, I was gone 3-4 days a week, hitting every major city in the United States each year. They started off like mini-vacations, since my company would pay for me to stay the weekend if I so desired. After 9 months, the last thing I wanted to do was to be away from home one more day. I was also tired of my little chihuahua so pissed off happy to see me that the first thing he would do was pee on my pillows. So I spent most of the next year and a half, sitting in my hotel room every night, ordering roomservice and taking the first flight home Friday afternoon. Just so I could turn around and leave the following week.
Last year I went to a friends Halloween party in Seattle. Didn't really experience much of the city or nightlife at all. The trip was to spend time with her for a couple of days. I'm talking about a week long trip to somewhere I've never visited or haven't been to in a long time. I've got to start planning something for next year. It's about time. Believe it or not, I've never been to New York City. Now that you've picked yourself up off the floor...NYC, San Francisco, South Beach or Chicago seem to be on my list of top choices. I have friends in SF, Denver, Seattle, Portland and Chicago, so I really don't have an excuse not to go somewhere.
So I've decided that sometime, somewhere next year, I might be terrorizing visiting a city near you.
Start preparing now people. I'm very small, compact and don't take up much space. I don't eat much either.
I was told by a friend of mine, that one of my horrible first date encounters, would be best told in its entirety. The boyfriend puking at the bar, in my opinion, was probably the worst, but the boy who thought $25 for dinner was too high is more amusing.
Every weekend here in Dallas, you could always find me at Throckmorton Mining company on any given Friday and Saturday. Back then it was my bar of choice. There was a doorman that I had always thought was kind of cute in that cubbish, redneck, dork sort of way. I have to clarify that my taste in men can be unique to say the least. One of the many drunken evenings, Cub Boy asked if he could take me out to dinner. I responded with a drunken, "Shlur, I-I-I'll go!"
He wouldn't give me a phone number and wouldn't tell me where he lived. Said he would meet me in front of the Black Eyed Pea for dinner. I hesitantly agree and show up promptly at 7pm the next night. He's dressed in bad Garth Brooks garb from 1985. Hat, boots and big ol' belt buckle included. Found out that the belt buckle is what kept his stomach from hanging over. We were seated in the smoking section. He immediately made a huge stink about smokers and how nasty they were and we were promptly moved. We ordered our dinner and were brought dinner rolls. He cuts open a dinner roll and smashes the hell out of the roll with his fork until its about 1/4 of an inch thick. He then coats this enormous pancake shaped roll with butter and proceeds to eat it with a knife and fork like you would a steak. At this point I'm horrified and trying to think of ways to get out of this mess.
We continue talking throughout the meal. He tells me about his previous job working as a cook for Pizza Hut. He said it was the best job that he's ever had in his life. He enjoyed it so much that he would even hang out there on his days off. Nothing like having lofty goals.
The check came and he freaked when he saw that it was 25 dollars. He wanted to call the waiter over and complain, saying that they made a huge mistake. I immediately grabbed the bill, ran to the cashier and paid for our dinner myself before he made a scene. Hell when you're use to getting all your Pizza Hut pizza for free, I can see how this bill would shock you.
After dinner he wanted to head to the Mining Company for drinks. Being an employee, he gets his drinks for a buck. Once inside the bar, he disappears. I'm thinking this is my chance to break free and run. I see my roommate and my best friend so I decide to stay. I eventually see my date playing tonsil hockey with one of the bartenders. By this time, I've lit up a cig and am dragging on hit heavily trying to calm my nerves. Then he spots me. My date rushes over to me and asks me where the hell I've been. He notices that I'm smoking and yells, "You smoke?!!!" I just respond with a calm, "Yes" as I blow the smoke in his face. He proceeds to lecture me on how disgusting I am for smoking. Of course I'm devastated by his response (insert sarcasm). My friends and I leave him. It's not long before he finds me again and tells me how wonderful of a time he's had and wonders if we can see each other again.
Sure, puddin'!......In Hell........
I've been thinking about this for quite some time now. I'm tired of the dating scene. I'm tired of meeting them online, at the bar, at the grocery store, on the street (ok, that sounds bad), through friends or however. It all seems so pointless. What has it gotten me? A husband? A lover? A date? No. None of the above. Ok fine the occasional date. Which ends with either them or I running, screaming with hands flailing in the air. I've been thinking about many a date gone wrong.
The following is a list of things that have actually happened to me on first dates:
1. The picture of them online obviously was from 1983. I'm going to notice the fact that you have no hair and have gained 40 pounds.
2. Tells you sexual quirks that require initials to describe the act (i.e: ws, cb, tt) and shows you their dungeon they've constructed in their basement.
3. They don't find me attractive or don't like my personality and proceed to tell me this at dinner. "Waiter! Another drink please!"
4. Won't touch me with a ten foot pole because I'm positive. Hell, they won't touch me with someone elses ten foot pole.
5. Still in love with their exboyfriend and tells me this while crying over dinner.
6. Tells me how every guy around us is hot as hell, especially the waiter. Asks me if I'm into 3-ways.
7. Invites ME out on a date, yet he makes me pay for the both of us. He thought $25 was too much to spend on dinner.
8. They can't handle their liquor and make an ass out of themselves by asking out the bartender and then throwing up all over the bar. If you can't party with the big dogs, then get off the front porch.
9. Had to drive the above date home in the back of my pickup since he was covered in puke. Trust me, I took corners going 30 miles an hour. Proceeded to puke on me and in his shoes after getting him in the house.
10. My friends pull me off to the side and say, "What the hell were you thinking? Were you high?"
Well, lift my leg and polute my shorts! Doesn't this make you want to go through it all again?
What makes us continue to go through all this shit? Does anyone else have horror stories like these? Please make me feel better and share.
Image of the white tiger that attacked Roy right after it happened
Although Norman wanted me to tell you how fabulously cute, wealthy and hung he is, I opted for this instead:
Me: what are your plans this weekend
Him: well since my plans for last weekend failed miserably I suppose I should try again this weekend.. but my heart really aint into it
Me: I forgot what those plans were.....
Him: find the man of my dreams, get laid, married and pregnant
Him: then on Sunday....
Me: oh those plans
Him: LOL
Me: I've decided I'm just going to be single the rest of my life.
Me: easier
Him: yea me too actually..
Him: unless someone comes along
Me: well of course
I'm available and taking applications......any takers?
This goes for Norman too.
We all remember the days of Pong. We also remember sitting for hours on end playing Atari. Kids today have it made with their PS2 and Nintendo Game Cube. In this article, 10 to 13 year olds were given games from the 70's and 80's and their reactions recorded.
I could still kick their ass in Frogger.
Thought I'd share one of the pictures I took during our afternoon frolicking with the dead.
Ok, just one more quiz. I promise. Ok, for today at least.
your shit.
What swear word are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Kyan: Grooming Guru
Which Member from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy is your type?
brought to you by Quizilla
I was really hoping for decorating expert Thom. He's just so yummy. I'll just have to settle for Kyan. I wouldn't kick him out of bed. Would you? I think not.
I have to say that Power Yoga kicked my butt last night. I was getting into positions I didn't think were humanly possible. Those could come in handy now that I think about it.
I was forward this by a friend. I can't help but pass this on. I'm kind of partial to Crop Dusting and want to try that tomorrow at work.
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (If you've ever seen the movie Rat Race, this has an entirely different meaning)
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.
SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions..
OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks.
CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously farting while passing thru a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust
It hit me this morning. Thanksgiving isn't that far away if you think about it. Neither is Christmas for that matter. I know, you're thinking Halloween isn't even here yet! Thanksgiving for my friends and I is quite the ordeal. The tradition of gathering our friends family together started the first year I moved to Dallas. Funny story actually. I met this couple at Throckmorton Mining Company one Wednesday night. One thing lead to another and I was "forced" to bring them back home with me. Next morning, I invite them to spend the day with us and stay for Thanksgiving dinner. So the four of us (roommate included) had a great dinner then I sent them on their way. Nice way to start a tradition, huh?
Since then (minus the 3-ways) we have kept the tradition going. We have a "slumber party" the night before. Watch movies, eat junk food and drink. We're up at the crack of dawn the next day cooking breakfast and then begin preparing for the feast that afternoon. By 5 o'clock, we're frantic, pulling out what little hair we have left and burn a few dishes. Last year we burned only three I think. Finally we scrape the burnt food, sit down, say a prayer and have one of the most incredible meals you'll ever feast your eyes upon. I think our biggest gathering was almost 40 people. Our smallest was about 12.
It was the first time I realized that my friends were more then just friends. They are my family.
People have asked me, "Do anything exciting this weekend?" Have to say no, but did do something strange. I have some ideas for some drawings that I want to do. So my roommate and I went to a local cemetary thats located in the heart of Dallas. This gravesite dates back to the early 1800's. You wouldn't believe some of the incredible statues and architecture. I grabbed a black and white disposable camera and took some photos. Is it bad to be running around a cemetary taking snapshots? Hopefully once I learn how to attach pictures of the photos and my work, you'll be able to see what I'm talking about. I finally have a direction and feel more motivated about my art for the first time a while. My work tends to be very Gothic. More on that later.
My niece in Colorado sent me a picture of my great nephew. What a doll! Prettiest eyes on the planet. Yes, I'm biased being the Great Uncle and all. But he is adorable. Then I stopped and realized. I am 38 years old and I have 7 nieces and nephews ages 13 to 31, and 5 great nieces and nephews ages 6 months to 5 years old. Plus, there are 2 more on the way. Damn I feel old. Makes me stop and think that I want kids. Then I shudder.
No, I'll just live vicariously through them instead.
Met up with Sherman last night at On the Border for dinner. I have to say he's as cute, sweet and funny in person. After a nice dinner and conversation we went to see Kill Bill, Volume 1. All I have to say, is go see this movie. You will NOT regret it. Although be prepared to see a lot of blood. It's not for the squeamish.
Can I just tell you that I'm going to be meeting Sherman tonight for dinner and a movie and I'm so giddy that I think I peed my pants?
Ok, well maybe not that excited, but I am looking forward to finally meeting him. It will be a nice start, to which I thought was going to be a boring weekend.
Dream last night:
My mother had planned another 20th year reunion for me, since mine was pretty lame. Every single person I graduated with was there. Everyone looked the same as they did in highschool, except me. I had definately aged. The boy I had a crush on in highschool was there and I found out that he was gay. I spent the entire dream one step behind him. Never did locate that cute boy. Dream ends.
While walking down the street one day, George "Dubya" Bush is shot by a disgruntled NRA member. His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem: We seldom see a Republican around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer," says Dubya.
"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself: He says you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."
"But, I've already made up my mind; I want to be in Heaven."
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course; the sun is shining in a cloudless sky, the temperature a perfect 72 degrees. In the distance is a beautiful clubhouse. Standing in front of it his dad...and thousands of other Republicans who had helped him out over the years...Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, Jerry Falwell.... The whole of the "Right" was there...everyone laughing...happy...casually but expensively dressed. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at expense of the "suckers and peasants".They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.
The Devil himself comes up to Bush with a frosty drink, "Have a Margarita and relax, Dubya!"
"Uh, I can't drink no more, I took a pledge," says Junior, dejectedly.
"This is Hell, son: you can drink and eat all you want and not worry, and it just gets better from there!"
Dubya takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly guy who tells funny jokes and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like a Yale Skull and Bones brother with real horns.
They are having such a great time that, before he realizes it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Bush steps on the elevator and heads upward. When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.
So for 24 hours Bush is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money, and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or frat boy joke among them; no fancy country clubs and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor, he doesn't see anybody he knows, and he isn't even treated like someone special!
Worst of all, to Dubya, Jesus turns out to be some kind of Jewish hippie with his endless 'peace' and 'do unto others' jive. "Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself, "Pat Robertson never prepared me for this!"
The day done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity."
With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background, Dubya reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell. The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste, kind of like Houston. He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.
The Devil comes over to Dubya and puts an arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers a shocked Dubya, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar...drank booze. We screwed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"
The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly, and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us."
Ever feel like your job has become monotonous? That it's time for a change? My friend G last night was talking to me about how he felt this way. Made me stop and realize that I'm in a rut myself. My job has become so routine. What happened to the days of waking up excited to go to work? Now, I go to work, do my job with a smile and go home. Day after day. Week after week. Year......ah hell, you get the idea.
Maybe its time for a drastic career change. I don't have the body to be a dick exotic dancer. I'm too old to be a hustler male escort. Maybe I'll meet a wonderful rich man and be the best kept boy husband that I can be.
Wish I could just win the lottery. Then I would be the rich man with the kept boy.
I think I like that option the best.
I have some of the most vivid dreams imaginable. Some are bizarre, some are quite comical. I have these so frequently, that I thought it would be nice to tell you about them and maybe get some feedback or just have a good laugh. I'll try to do this at least once a week from here on out. Here are a couple of examples.
After my friends G and T moved in next door:
We all lived in a highrise condo. No walls existed in this enormous room. I remember lime green carpeting, numerous twin size beds in a row up against the wall and a kitchen in the middle of the room. The kitchen was used by the entire highrise. G was asleep the entire time, with only his feet poking out of the sheets. He was still wearing his Jesus Sandals. T was running around trying to capture all the "rats wearing diamond studded collars with attached leashes". He said that since they had leashes, they must be pets. B was running around in circles, screaming, with his hands in the air. He's afraid of the rats. I'm pissed off at everyone this entire dream. There is a mexican woman always cooking for us. G tells me to get over it. She's a good cook he says. Friends eventually show up late at night to party. Uninvited. Dream ends.
Couple nights ago:
For some reason I'm being chased by the FBI. I'm driving around in a vintage 1968 convertible Mustang. Bright red. The FBI finally catches me and they informed me that I signed a contract with them one late night while I was drunk at a bar. Therefore, I'm required to honor my contract. They take me to the FBI headquarters. Its a huge treehouse. We climb up a ladder and through the floor. The place is enormous. Dream ends.
I seriously need to lay off spicy food.
With a can of Dr. Pepper in hand, we proceeded to the Texas State Fair last night. Entrance fee was only $2 with the can, so how could we resist? I have to say that all six of us really enjoyed the night out. Hell, it was something other then sitting in a bar downing way to many shots.
Here is a list of some of the food that was consumed or tasted:
1. Aligator Sausage (Taste like chicken?)
2. Nachos
3. Frito Pie
4. Deep Fried Twinkie (Horrible is the only word to describe)
5. Funnel Cake
6. Onion Strings
7. Coney Dogs
8. Cotton Candy
9. Candied apple
10. Various drinks
Nothing like getting off of a ride that gave you borderline whiplash and trying to eat a fried twinkie. Just let me say that hot cake and scalding whipped cream topped with powdered sugar is not pleasant. I stayed away from the Aligator. If it taste like chicken, why not eat chicken? Where was the sloppy joe stand? Maybe thats just a Nebraska thing.
Observations about the people at the fair:
1. There are some pretty hot Carney's.
2. Mullets are definately back in fashion...or never left.
3. Women in halter tops and covered in tattoos are HOT!
4. Numerous gangs reside in Dallas
5. Children young enough for strollers should be left with a sitter.
6. 90% of the Redneck population of Dallas was there.
7. We all act like kids again the minute we walk through the gates.
Need to go back and ask out the boy who worked at the ride called STORM!!
Around 9pm last night, I decided to make a trip to the store for some serious snack food. My hunger patterns are so erratic. So, I get my little butt up and head to Tom Thumb for some late night grazing. I had intentions of just buying a frozen pizza to satisfy my insatiable hunger. But no, I didn't stop there. Here's a list of what was in my basket:
1. Two cans of Pringles
2. TGIFriday's Cheese Sticks
3. Pilsbury Grand's Cinnamon Rolls
4. Doritos
5. Nacho Cheese Dip
6. Box of cereal
As you can see, no frozen pizza in sight. I did have some restraint. You should have seen the look on the checkers face. I'm not sure if it was total disgust or if she desperately wanted to ask me for a bong hit in the parking lot.
I should start off by saying that I own one of these little beast. His name is Palin. Now don't get me wrong, he's a real sweetie. My roommate told me a story regarding Feral Chihuahuas. (Yes the story is a few months old) Over 170 wild Chihuahua's running wild, attacking and killing each other at a residence in California. Seems the lady in question that owns the dogs had let the situation "get out of hand". Ya, think? Authorities are now trying to figure out what to do with the little bastards.
Can't you just picture rabid little dogs that fit into your handbag? Never again will people need to carry mace or pepper spray. Just unleash your Feral Chihuahua!!
Another weekend has come and gone. Not much to report. Spent most of the weekend cleaning house. Could my life BE any more exciting? Someone I'll refer to as Sherman called me twice Saturday night. Seems like such a nice guy. Sexy phone voice, too. Hopefully one of these days, I'll finally get to meet him face to face.
Sunday, T. held a memorial service at the duplex for his friend who passed away last week. It was more of a celebration of his life. Everyone really seemed to enjoy the time together.
Ugh......Can you tell that I really don't want to write anything today? I think I need more coffee. I'm out of here.
Could this week have gone by any faster? I don't think it could honestly. This weekend is going to be busy. I've been raising money for the Aids LifeWalk. I've raised close to $200 dollars this year. I'll be walking with many other people tomorrow morning at 9am. Thank God the weather is going to be nice so I won't pass out from heat exhaustion. Saturday afternoon, B. and I are planning on hitting the Texas State Fair. I'm craving a deep fat fried twinkie on a stick and possibly some cotton candy. Nothing better then a good old fashioned sugar high. Sunday afternoon we're having a Memorial Service for our friend that passed away last week.
Tonight I was going to meet my Ex out for drinks and possibly dinner. He's home sick today. I guess our plans have now been pushed off until next weekend, which is fine. Not sure what my feelings are on this subject, so I'll just let that one rest.
I couldn't believe it when I walked outside this morning. It's 59 degrees! I know, your thinking thats not very low. Well for Texans it feels like 40 degrees outside. This weather reminds me of growing up in Nebraska. Fall has always been my favorite season. It was the last chance for decent weather in a state that has some of the worst. The season started with the Fall Festival Parade. Homecoming Queens and Kings were being crowned at all the local Highschools. The trees were turning every shade of yellow, orange and red. Carved pumpkins were on every doorstep. And sad to say, my mother was finishing up her Christmas shopping.
What was my biggest concern at the time? Whether or not my Halloween costume would fit over my snowsuit.
Yeah good times.....
