I guess I've kept quiet long enough. Enough time has passed to allow us both time to heal some, although there's a lot more healing to come. I spent an entire week barely eating or sleeping, crying most of the time. Three days in a row of not eating anything and a stomach too upset to even drink water, I eventually passed out one night of pure exhaustion after a fit of crying that seemed to not want to stop. I even had to work from home a couple days because the thoughts of leaving the house wasn't possible to me.

I sit here pondering how much to say now. What is too much? What's not enough? How much do I owe my friends and readers to share? Do I owe them anything? Will telling too much hurt people or will telling as much as I can, act like quickly ripping off of a bandaid, although painfull, getting it over fast.

I feel like I'm acting like a drama queen. I hope I'm not. Just saying how I feel and being this vulnerable and honest, isn't easy for me to do.

Brian and I ended our almost 4 year relationship a week ago Tuesday. May 5th would have been our 4 year anniversary. Talk about one of the roughest days. The details I'm going to try to leave tucked away. I'm sure over time, more things will become obvious if they aren't already are.

We lead a life of parties, various social activities, traveling, countless friends, dinners....you name it. We gave off the impression of the perfect Happy-Go-Lucky Bear Couple. Little did people know that we had been having problems for quite a while. Through all of this, both Brian and I have realized that we're the kings (or queens) of putting on a happy face, giving off the impression that everything was perfect. For anyone who wants pointers, just ask.

It was hard hearing that since the beginning of our relationship, there was no real spark that happened when we met. When I was told this, I had to stop and evaluate it myself. We met, slept together and were inseparable ever since. We quickly grew to love one another deeply (and still do), enjoyed one anothers company and had many things in common. Me being 39 years old at the time, was desperately looking to settle down in a life long relationship. I felt my time was running out. He, being only 29 at the time, was tired of the life of going out to the bars, drinking and dancing the night away and felt like he was ready to have his first serious relationship. I think we tried to force it to happen. We loved one another deeply, but were never "in love". This realization almost crushed me when I heard it for the first time and even more when I had to admit it to myself that it was true. We tried to buy each other things, purchase our first home, acquire a dog and purchase furniture and other belongings together, all in the hopes of making things work. We even maintained a small little place for the two of us at Rainbow Ranch. Somehow along the way, four years had passed before our eyes without realizing it.

Four years we do not and will not regret one bit, but four years none the less.

We steadily grew apart, almost becoming more like best friends who were roommates. We both found ourselves longing and looking for passion, romance and true love elsewhere. Constantly thinking we could make things work. At the same time, not communicating with one another about our true feelings.

I on the other hand, while wishing for true love, found it. I wasn't looking for it. It just happened. Unfortunately, I hurt people deeply by doing this and keeping it a secret. I'm not proud of what happened. Although I've been fully forgiven by one of the most wonderful men in my life, I spend my days with self loathing and guilt. I haven't forgiven myself. I know I will. I just don't know when.

Most of our friends have been very supportive, except for one or two. I know their reaction is only out of protection. I just hope that one day, they can forgive too and all of our lives can continue to move forward. Not everyone knows, but as we all know how things go, it won't be long before word spreads.

Brian and I have had some of the most wonderful talks this past week. We now talk more openly and honestly about how we feel then we ever have. We tell the truth, even when it hurts. We've spent hours holding each other and crying our eyes out. It's going to take time for full healing, but we both know it will happen. Brian spent 4 years of doing nothing but trying to make me happy by any means possible, thinking this would heal our relationship problems. I told him it was time to finally make himself happy. What he finally wants, is to make himself happy.

The progress we've both made in the past week has been amazing in our opinion. We plan on staying a huge part of each others lives and stay best friends. The days of hanging out, catching a movie or dinner and even taking a trip as a group of friends, are all on our horizon. We even still call each other numerous times a day to see how one another is doing and to share how our day has gone.

We laugh when we stop and think that we felt like the only persons who have gone through something like this. When depression, hurt and fear set in, it fucks with your mind. No one understands. No one knows the pain we're going through. No one has ever experienced this.

Boy, were we wrong.

The only thing that matters to us now is that we both love one another tremendously and that will never change. We both want nothing more, then to see the other happy and we hope that everyone else does too.

I love you Brian.

A lot to write about, but it's just not the right time. Once I'm ready to sit down and share with my friends out there and my readers, I will. I just feel that I need a week or so to gather my thoughts, take a lot more klonopin and try to get my head clear before doing so. Right now it's a roller coaster of emotions.

We appreciate everyones wonderful, kind words. They mean more then anyone could ever possibly imagine.

Until then, please be patient while I take a short break, but don't worry I'll be back.

Love you all

I don't often get too personal on here. Last post was probably the most personal I've been in a long time on this blog and it was a difficult thing to do. It was tough being vulnerable and putting all my emotions and all my flaws out there. I'm the type of person who keeps things in and bottled up until I explode. It tends to be what our family does. We hold things in and keep things secret until we're either forced to talk or something triggers it to all come out.

When it all comes out, it's never pretty.

This weekend was rough. I realized that I haven't been a good husband or friend. I ended up hurting people along the way. I've been beating myself up for things the past few days. To the point where I haven't eaten hardly at all nor slept very well this past three days. I couldn't even make it in to work due to sheer exhaustion. I'm an emotional train wreck. It's hard to hear that you've hurt people and it hurts to have people tell you the truth about yourself.

Sorry to be so cryptic.

I just hope that the people I've apologized to and begged forgiveness from have it in their heart to do so. I've spent the last 3 days crying over and over. I wish I had more people to openly talk to about this, but that just isn't the case.

The one good thing that came out of all of this has to do with my Mother. We don't talk about anything related to me being gay. It's a taboo subject that's always been avoided. She loves me dearly, but has a hard time talking to me about it on a personal level. Maybe I have trouble doing it as well. Hell, I know I do.

While on the phone with her a few minutes ago, I couldn't hold it in any longer and broke down harder then I have with anyone. She sat there on the other end of the phone, waiting for me to stop. Amazingly enough, she didn't panic thinking that something tragic had happened to me, like she normally would. It's like she knew. I explained to her about Brian and I having some struggles and it all coming to a head this weekend, yet everything was going to be fine and going to work itself out hopefully. I then told her I hurt people. I sat there patiently, waiting or her to say something after I had finished getting everything out inbetween sobs.

Then in the most loving and caring voice a Mother can do, she told me that things will be ok and that we all make mistakes. That in any kind of relationships, anything can be worked out if the two truly love one another. She used examples of her and her husband to make comparisons.

For the first time in my entire life I was able to openly talk to her about my relationship with Brian.

Sometimes, all it takes is to hear your Mom's voice telling you that things will be ok......

Funk. I hate that word. It's what I seem to be in lately. I can be happy one minute and the next, I'm sitting there in a cloudy funk. I'm back to taking my happy pills to keep from being a blubbering mess. I'm not happy in my job. I sit there thinking, "Is this what I'm going to do for the rest of my life?" I need to push myself to work on some paintings or drawings. I get the stuff ready, I buy all the supplies, have all the ideas in my head and I do nothing but look at the pile every day before heading out the door to go to work. I get home and I'm tired, lethargic and wanting to do nothing but curl up on the couch and watch my stories on TV. The cycle repeats.

I think I've even lost the drive to shop. That's probably what scares me most! Ah the horror! Shopping has always been my therapy. Lately, I do nothing sit on Ebay, searching for things that I don't need. No desire to go out to a bar and hang with friends. I constantly feel the need to hop on a plane and just get out of town for a few days, but we all know how expensive that can be even though we have tons of free flights, free car rentals and hotel stays thanks to my Ever Traveling Hubby.

I want to go somewhere or do something that causes me not to have to think. I want to feel nothing. And people wonder why I'm such a Disney nut. It's the only time where I get to not think about what's going on in my life.

Are there any openings for being a Zombie? I'll sign up if there is. Maybe I should tweak my resume'.

I know a lot of my problems has to do with the fear of being alone. Most of my old friends have gone their separate ways. We rarely keep in touch, but do so ever so often. My best friend has came out of his dating funk and his time of taking care of himself, and is finally getting back into the dating scene and even going out of town to spend this weekend with someone he's met. After that he's gone for a week's time in Orlando to attend a Tile Convention. Crazy times there I'm sure. You know how those tile people are. He's the only person, other then Brian whom I spend a lot of time with, rely on as like a little brother and consider him family. He's my buddy/pal/best friend/soulmate. I believe friends can be soulmates as well.

Once they start dating again, that leaves fewer times to hang out, less times to talk. That's just how things go.

My hubby/partner/soulmate/pooterbutt, whom I love dearly is leaving this weekend after being home for 2 weeks straight so that's always tough. He's going to Boston for a weeks long training certification. After that, he's back in Maine to spend time with his current client. His work Visa is taking more time then they thought so his London gig is not going to start until the first couple days of June, pushing me seeing him until the middle of July. Luckily, he'll be here for a week before he has to leave for London. It's times like this that are a true test of a relationship.

The only thing I feel I have to look forward to is heading back to London with him for a week inbetween both of his stays there.

I feel myself shutting down and wanting to do nothing but retreat back into my own little world and talk to the voices in my head. Kidding about the voices. This usually means putting on a pair of sweats and eating junk food while sitting on the couch watching movies or tv. I find myself not answering the phone and only leaving the house when it's absolutely necessary. Like when max has to pee or I need food from the grocery store.

I always look forward to the summer. It's our time of pool parties, traveling and enjoying the city during the warm summer months. I have a feeling, most of mine will be spent indoors. I'm sure the summer will be great and I'll be kept busy and things will move along swimmingly.

Right now, I'm just a tad bit pessimistic.